New tweeps: Please no hashtags. These crazy bacon-eating, nickelback-hating masturbating phone-licking unicorn-obsessed cunts hate that shit

Pull up to the gas pump, tanks on the wrong side. Did a u-ie.Tanks still on the wrong side. I quietly got back in my car and left.

Well, aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need.

How come some elite says "poop stain" and get 50+ I tweet the fucking meaning of life, Nothing.

I always feel bad for that spider on my windshield when I take him a gazillion miles away from his family.

Wipe your face off, you still have a little bullshit around the corners of your mouth.

I found my husband in the bathroom with my phone, he was faving his own tweets!

I'm at a special level of drunk when I have to swap out my flip-flops for "safer" shoes.

While baking my pies, I like to pretend I'm a Food Network star. My husband keeps yelling "shut the fuck up" from the couch. Great.

"CUT!"

When you delete a tweet after 2 minutes, because it got no stars, it's probably time to get a life.

*sets timer for 2 minutes

Go.

You know you have issues, when you pull your buggy over at the grocery store to tweet.

We're so poor my daughter pulled 6 of her teeth to get paid by the tooth fairy. I said "sweetie, you're 14. Those teeth ain't coming back".

If they would give me 160 characters, I would be a lot funnier.

I don't have a boob avi and I don't talk about my vagina or all your dicks. Glad I don't have to. (even tho my gyno said my shit is tight).

I could get a lot more tweeting done if I quit my job.

Give a married couple a pair of iPhones and they'll never have to talk again. It's a classic example of win-win.

My favorite beer is free beer.

I need new friends .. Just found one of my tweets on facebook. Worst part, only got 5 likes. At least steal my good shit fuckwad!

I'v been married so long, instead of good morning, it's what do you want me to do, so you're not mad at me~
Nice

I just realized my cupboards still have baby proof locks on them. My kids are in college.

Related: how do I get training wheels off a bike?