The path to hell wasn't paved with good intentions, it was paved with way too many fucking options.

Solitary confinement sounds lovely.

Your sweatpants are just waiting in your drawer, crossing off days on their calendar.

After 24 hour surveillance and countless interrogations I've concluded that the backwards r in Toys Я Us has nothing to do with the Russians

There should be a thing that's like a gym but instead of losing weight you lose the fact that you're an asshole.

Everybody remember that Sunday is Rudy Giuliani's 10th birthday!

Think the human race is ready to find out aliens exist? Drop a spider onto an unsuspecting person's lap. Now multiply that times 7 billion.

By now, I've stopped calling it "sandwich" meat and started calling it "stand in front of the fridge and eat it out of the baggie" meat.

I've heard a toilet seat is cleaner than the human mouth. So instead of brushing my teeth, I just lick toilet seats.


It's logic.

Every time a book store shuts down, Fox News' ratings go up.

I bet a Florida jury would acquit Video of all charges in the murder of Radio Star.

My therapist says I have commitment issues, but I just spent 20 minutes opening a stubborn champagne bottle, so fuck you, Dr. Ferguson.

Has anyone berated the Spin Doctors guy for passive aggressively asking a chick to buy him flowers?

Queefs are what happen when vaginas refuse to blow up like balloon animals.

Since growing a beard a lot of strangers don't talk to me anymore. I should have grown one a long fucking time ago.

I'm really good at taking a compliment, and smashing it to bits with my mind.

"Okay, so you're a werewolf. That don't im--" - Shania Twain's last words.

I have never watched Sex and the City. I'm such a Robin!

Hey guy who hits the volleyball as hard as he can from the back row and it always goes out of bounds: EVERYONE HATES YOU!

A good thing about being single is I don't have to worry about anyone flushing while I shower. Or caring that I exist or whatever.