Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.

My son has a fever and keeps waking up... I whisper, "Shhh, it's ok... This is what happens when you don't clean you room." It works.

The best things in life are free: love... sex... seeing an uptight prick drop his iPad and squeal like a school girl.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

You know you are drunk when you try to kiss Rihanna’s forehead and miss.

I have read your tweets... Women, if you really need to get laid: Go outside and carry a red balloon! (Guys look for red balloons!) Retweet!

The guys are heading over to a strip club but I decided to stay home because I find it degrading to pay $8.50 for a bottle of beer.

Once a week, I turn off the aquarium light and shove my face up to the glass before turning it on again, just to remind them who is God.

Dear Best Buy, I will stop shoplifting printer ink when it costs less than weapons-grade plutonium. Thank you for your understanding.

I think I would be in less trouble if my wife saw me throw a kitten in to a wood chipper than if she found my Twitter account.

I accidentally choked on popcorn when my daughter's yoga instructor showed backbends, and now I have to wait outside with the creepy dads.

Shaving my head for Halloween and when people touch it, and ask what I'm dressed up as, I will scream, "I AM A CLITORIS!" and then drool.

I bet people with protected accounts also show up at BYOBs with two beers but drink everyone else's before shitting in the pool.

Even if they sold sixteen-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice because I have trust issues.

Yes, your stars, retweets and the occasional trophies are nice but I will never feel fully validated until you give me a piggyback ride.

Unless an aircraft carrying One Direction crashes into Justin Bieber's forehead - there is no reason for Twitter to be over capacity. None.

I lost months of grammar in school because my teacher had big boobs. The more confused I got, the more she leaned over me. A vicious circle.

Not fair! Women become cougars... Men become creepy substitute gym teachers.