Every year, I leave milk and marijuana cookies for Santa, hoping he'll forget to take his bag of toys.

Ambigotry, when you're not sure who to hate. 

You're a poor judge of 140 characters.

My whoreoscope tells me I'm about to get laid.

Everyone's talking about their bucket list... while I'm still working on a pot to pee in.

Remove the letter "w" from tweet and you get teet

Remove "w" from twit you get tit

Titter conspiracy?

I think so.

When life gives you lemons, open a topless lemonade stand.

I've eaten so many vinegar chips, when I masturbate, my cucumber turns into a pickle.

Does favstar have "Bone us" features? 

I love my dog so much, I'd give him a kidney. But knowing him, he'd probably eat it.

You know what I need? A mute button for my vibrator. 

My tweets get prettier at closing time.

I'm not a whore, I'm priceless.

Having a pajama party with my puppy was fun until he had a threesome with my animal slippers.

Don't flatter yourself.

That giant wet spot are the tears of disappointment.

Angry chefs spit in your food.

Don't ask what happy chefs do...

My iPhone ran out of power, so I plugged it in. Siri woke up, dialed 911 and charged me with battery.

Twitter or go to class?

Twitter it is...

That way I don't have to sleep with my professor to get a gold star.

I just scratched your fancy car with the key to my heart.

My best friend had a chip on her shoulder. Turns out it was a button, so I pushed it.