I want a caller ID that states why people are calling me. Now that would be a smart phone.

I give so much star love on favstar to people who don't follow me that im starting to feel like a hooker who does it for the love of sex.

That's great that your farm is huge and you've added your 1st grade teacher as a friend.. But your baby just rolled off the couch. Loser.

Don't complain to me about your baby daddy. You're the fool that fucked him.

Is giving lots of stars bad etiquette? I figure they are like blowjobs, Im not gonna hear any complaints if I'm liberal with them.

Favstar.fm is my new bathroom reading. If I don't need to shit, none of you get stars.

If I had another glue stick and one more magazine I could finish this love letter tonight.

If you love something.. stalk it on twitter & facebook & myspace & foursquare & google earth. If you don't get arrested- it's meant to be.

I use my phone more as a flashlight than I do to call people.

In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfollow anyone who posts their horoscope to twitter.

When telemarketers call me I say. "You can talk to me after I ask you one question"- "What are you wearing?". They always hang up on me.

In a parallel universe, i wonder.. How do people park their cars?

I was in twitter jail all day, so I interacted with the humans around me. This human interaction thing is never going to catch on.

I just found out that you CAN'T conduct an accurate breast exam using just iPhone pictures. You lying bastards.

Nothing shuts a man up like the following text I just sent: "I'm ovulating if you want to make a baby."

Men might follow you because your avatar is your great boobs, if I don't follow you back it's just because I'm jealous of them.

The first time I felt like an adult was the moment I realised that I need coffee to poop.

*clit* autocorrects to *clot* and really is a bit of a mood killer.

a lot *not* alot you're *not* your for "you are" masturbation not masterbation. You're masturbating a lot. See how that works?

I'm eating a fun sized box of jr. mints from a couple of halloweens ago. Tell the coroner.