Hi I'm an 18 yr old girl and I've dated 3 guys out of the four billion on Earth and I'm here to say all guys are the same

just got back from IHIPHOP. its like IHOP except they play chill beats while the waitresses twerk all over your pancakes

mam, are u aware u just crashed ur car "I DONT CARE" u literally just crashed into a bridge "I LOVE IT" excuse me? "IM IN THE MILKY WAY" wut

if i was a waiter i'd say things like "excellent choice sir" even if all they ordered was water

"Women are strong! I blew people to get where I am today. Tits." - Marilyn Monroe

I told my mom I met @kylekinane last night and I showed her a video of him. She said "He's gross" and walked away.

*opens a book* wtf this isn't the internet

HEY SUPERHERO NERDS its ur time to shine i have a legitimate question - how does bane eat

I want to die w/ enough money that I can pay big women to twerk on my tombstone 24/7. they cld take shifts tomb of the unknown soldier style

i dont care about the women stories in the bible. its always like they made a lot of bread or something and im just like ya so what

How to become a Christian: 1. Buy beanie(preferably striped) 2. Learn guitar 3. Overuse hand gestures 4. Profile pic w/ African kids 5. Care

Ok I could get killed for this, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Someone kill me

Saw an asian student I know. Tried to remember his name and all that came to mind was "Hong Kong". I assure you his name is not Hong Kong

I drank hot tea today while listenin to Bon Iver. HIPSTERS, ASSEMBLE! *blows giant ram horn, hipsters flock to me riding on obscure animals*

IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN *everyone leaves kitchen* Wait pls come back. I push ppl away that try to get close to me

These white ppl at this hibachi grill look like all the humans in WALL-E pic.twitter.com/PEYEAT201B

Bc of evolution, in 200 years our arms will be twice as long for taking selfies

texas is just dirt that has lines drawn around it. stop using the state to identify yourself and get an actual personality u sad boring ppl

I dont need a girlfriend as much as I just need some 1 to wake me in the morning & say "Hey, Ben get your s*** together. Btw I made waffles"

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