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Hi I'm an 18 yr old girl and I've dated 3 guys out of the four billion on Earth and I'm here to say all guys are the same
mam, are u aware u just crashed ur car "I DONT CARE" u literally just crashed into a bridge "I LOVE IT" excuse me? "IM IN THE MILKY WAY" wut
just got back from IHIPHOP. its like IHOP except they play chill beats while the waitresses twerk all over your pancakes
*opens a book* wtf this isn't the internet
*is at mcdonald's*
can i get umm.. Let's see... Can I get a witness?
*people of all ethic backgrounds suddenly appear*
*we break into song*
if i was a waiter i'd say things like "excellent choice sir" even if all they ordered was water
# government shutdwon
RT to save america
"Women are strong! I blew people to get where I am today. Tits." - Marilyn Monroe
is it a good sign when you're talking to a cute girl and every time you stop talking they look up from their phone and say "sorry, what?"
a 6000 yr incredible story of war, sacrifice, famine & hardship and Christians boiled it down to don't cuss/be gay/drink/have premarital sex
HEY SUPERHERO NERDS its ur time to shine i have a legitimate question - how does bane eat
what if gay marriage was legal for one day out of the year? The Purge 2: A Gay Ol' Time, coming to a theatre near you
4 years ago today was the first time I've ever done stand up. I'm not surprised I'm still doing it but I am surprised at how happy I am.
i make my girlfriend wear a sleep apnea mask so I can't hear her snoring when we have sex
Sometimes I forget that I'm not actually gay
How about just text your dad instead of uploading a giant collage to instagram & facebook you monsters
intern at funny or die, struggling stand up comedian, lives in garbage