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6 y.o. girl I know received a Kindergarten conduct report which read verbatim: Told a friend she was going to "break his ass off."
Whether you love or hate cigarettes, you have to respect the smoking bicyclist.
Always yell "union meeting tonight!" as you exit WalMart.
The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.
The Starbucks baristas are avoiding eye contact again. Perhaps they don't like the way I throw around the term "smidgen"?
Congrats on your 0★ tweet!
The condiments station in a coffee house is not the place to move at Japanese Tea Ceremony speed.
It turns out that recreating scenes from The Shining with a Nerf ax and your kids is far more therapeutic than karaoke.
Never called anyone a "musky sonofabitch", but I'll be ready when the time comes.
I show my 8 yr old a huge shark jaw.
HIM (quickly): A Megaladon.
HIM (contemptuously): M E G A L A D O N....
FOR RENT: 6 yr. old master stall tactician. Has the ability to find fault with all foods, feign injury, and stretch any meal to 2+ hours.
The annoying neighbors are riding a crotch rocket around the block barefoot. There might be an awesome natural selection class today.
The best thing to do when someone tells you they're on The Paleo Diet is immediately stab them in the neck with your flint knife.
One thing about being in the home of someone you dislike is that the dust in that house is partly comprised of the disliked person's skin.
The computer controlling the ice maker in my freezer is smarter than the average YouTube commenter. Also, it has a job.
Threw away some salmon skin in a ziplock bag with a broken lightbulb, thereby mystifying the fuck out of future anthropologists.
Someone I'm related to asked if they had to pay shipping + handling to download a book to their kindle, and my brain achieved liquefaction.
h t t p colon forward slash forward slash w w w dot quit using hash tags mother fuckers dot com
8yr old son: When you were a kid did you want to be rich?
son: So why aren't you?
me: I'm still young.
son: Um, not really.
How many relationships in this country are held together by a television series alone?