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I've never asked for the "Jigglypuff" at Great Clips. But I've walked away with it many times.
The secret to time travel is sleeping on a cruise ship, then waking with morning wood while crossing the international dateline.
How come the plural form of "mouse" is "mice", but the plural form of "cat" is "lonely"?
The guy in a backwards hat who just called chicken nuggets "Nuggies" is now my mortal enemy.
Guy playing bar trivia next to me rubs his hands together before each question like a Dickens character about to eat the Christmas goose.
Really hoping someone says this about me some day: "Man! How many necklaces does that guy have?!"
It's hard to think of something to say on Monday that won't just sound like a boar snuffling.
We should start calling Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian the KKK. Only because they wouldn't get it.
Can you imagine the Hee Haw curriculum we'd have if the federal government let certain states teach whatever they liked? #cnndebate
Have you ever gotten so out of control at a party that you put two Sour Patch Kids in your mouth at one time?
If you have to go out into the wilderness, take along at least one friend who's soft and likely to be "nicely marbled."
If you yell English really loudly at people who don't speak English they'll definitely understand.
The other day, while watching my dog try to have sex with a filthy old bathmat, it occurred to me that I've grown weary of all this glamour.
It's disappointing how Stephen Hawking's computer voice box is programmed to omit the hundreds of times he says "bro" per day.
Have you ever brushed your teeth early so you don't eat more but then you just eat a ton of Thin Mints in a hate fueled bacchanal?
If a double decker bus, crashes into these two assholes making out in the car in front of me while the light's green sing that, Morrissey.
Pre-Elderly
