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Why would you drink decaffeinated coffee Peter? Would you go down on a blow up doll?
Today's the anniversary that my step sister went to College and became a drunken whore
My bangs are the only thing keeping me in this Chess Club according to that bitch Lisa.
Work Prank: Work hard and get promoted
I'm always about five seconds away from packing my bags, running miles away from home and living a life on the edge.
If my Dr told me I only had a week to live, I'm sure my first thought would be 'Do I get a fast pass for Disneyland?'
My soul is dead and I hate the way we have to live together. Happy Birthday. Love Ben.
The bear in The Revenant wasn't nominated because it was Black.
I don't know my new girlfriends name yet but dam she can sure run fast
Tonight at Crabshack: Feel what it means to be a real pirate by selling your first born to slavery
All 11 of my brothers and sisters have caught dysentery at a Alanis Morissette concert between 92-94.
Didn't take my coat off when I went inside for a pepsi. Back outside, don't feel the benefit. Hung myself.
The sounds of Applebees's and their customers on vinyl. Volume 1
Oh cool, they're letting Zooey Deschanel and OJ Simpson do the half time show this year.
I smell like nail polish
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