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If I'm in a dimly lit bar on my third Cosmo, rest assured that I'm on a comedown from a heavy night watching Maroon 5 in concert.
I just high fived myself into an episode of 'Seinfeld'.
Picking out some flowers for my drill sergeant
Currently at a Wu Tang concert announcing I'm into chocolate women.
Angsty teen wearing headphones at the back of Footlocker wins election
Wanna do something positive in your life? Fuck a battery
Fun fact about me. I've never counted more than three coconuts at any one time in my life.
My perfect day would involve oysters, Taylor Swift and to squash the over whelming desire to continuously burn everything I see.
My favourite hobby is pretending I'm on my period
Snapchatting Uncle Terry's vasectomy
Grown my turnips in the shape of my parents arguing.
My new girlfriend has a 20% off membership card to Staples and has blue hair. Finally, life is moving in the right direction.
If you can pronounce 'Shia Labeouf' correctly then I'm already 90% attracted to you.
I've been hit with a few shells now I walk with a limp. Which is the reason I stay away from the beach.
My parents long term marriage secret is knowing when to shut the fuck up. That and having affairs.
None of you can see what I'm doing right now. The jokes on you.
Don't even talk to me at this endangered animal fundraiser until you've at least slapped a Rhino in the face
Writer and producer of most TV shows. MC of the comedy store and single.