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If my Dr told me I only had a week to live, I'm sure my first thought would be 'Do I get a fast pass for Disneyland?'
My soul is dead and I hate the way we have to live together. Happy Birthday. Love Ben.
The bear in The Revenant wasn't nominated because it was Black.
I don't know my new girlfriends name yet but dam she can sure run fast
Tonight at Crabshack: Feel what it means to be a real pirate by selling your first born to slavery
All 11 of my brothers and sisters have caught dysentery at a Alanis Morissette concert between 92-94.
Didn't take my coat off when I went inside for a pepsi. Back outside, don't feel the benefit. Hung myself.
The sounds of Applebees's and their customers on vinyl. Volume 1
Oh cool, they're letting Zooey Deschanel and OJ Simpson do the half time show this year.
Back in London where the streets are paved with gold!!!!! Hang on...Nope that's just the sun reflecting of the puddles of piss
I don't want to ruin Christmas 2015 for you but I'm thinking theatre tokens as gifts
Do you want to come over to mine and throw rocks at blockbuster Video?
Life as an Anal Sculpture. Chapter one.
Life doesn't get an better than when you look back into the toilet bowl and see that you've created a James Gandolfini.
I guess I'm just known as 'that guy who puked on Mary Swanstein's vagina'
I smell like nail polish
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