If I'm in a dimly lit bar on my third Cosmo, rest assured that I'm on a comedown from a heavy night watching Maroon 5 in concert.

I just high fived myself into an episode of 'Seinfeld'.

Picking out some flowers for my drill sergeant

Currently at a Wu Tang concert announcing I'm into chocolate women.

@allforandrea bollocks :-)

Angsty teen wearing headphones at the back of Footlocker wins election

Wanna do something positive in your life? Fuck a battery

Fun fact about me. I've never counted more than three coconuts at any one time in my life.

My perfect day would involve oysters, Taylor Swift and to squash the over whelming desire to continuously burn everything I see.

My favourite hobby is pretending I'm on my period

Snapchatting Uncle Terry's vasectomy

Grown my turnips in the shape of my parents arguing.

SWAG pic.twitter.com/n31VnsJtj2

My new girlfriend has a 20% off membership card to Staples and has blue hair. Finally, life is moving in the right direction.

I've just seen Tom Cruise on The Underground :-) pic.twitter.com/NIgqsQizn5

If you can pronounce 'Shia Labeouf' correctly then I'm already 90% attracted to you.

I've been hit with a few shells now I walk with a limp. Which is the reason I stay away from the beach.

My parents long term marriage secret is knowing when to shut the fuck up. That and having affairs.

None of you can see what I'm doing right now. The jokes on you.

Don't even talk to me at this endangered animal fundraiser until you've at least slapped a Rhino in the face