Q-tips are just dildos for your ears..

When you get a RT you rush to see how many followers they have, Shame on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take your cats to a laser light show

I'll be over on instagram liking picture of kittens if anybody needs me

I want to bump Avi's

Things that are hard..
Rocks
Calculus
Subteeeting

That awkward moment when you realize your tweet just got picked last for dodgeball..

Hey, on your way to rock bottom can you swing by and pick me up a six pack?


Thaaaanks!

I tip the Chinese delivery guy with a Cat Fancy magazine and a wink..

Based on research done on Twitter, having a cat would be like having a coke whore that's cute,shits a lot and makes mewling noises at night

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies busy with words with friends..

Thanks to Obama care I no longer have to worry a out my self destructive behavior anymore.. Headed out to sell food stamps to buy liquor.

I'm sorry if my vast twitter following intimidates you..

Alcohol is the gateway drug to kinky sex.

PSA: I can't afford a hybrid car, but in an effort to go green I will be conserving water by showering with random hot chicks..

I'm scared to check my Instagram

I don't know about the rest of you, but on Saturday mornings. I prefer a big breakfast with juice, toast and vagina..

@nowapisces tooth brushes where invented by hillbillies, otherwise It prolly would have been named a teeth brush.

#FF @irowlf @sgtbuttcheeks @discourt @thedumbmuse @blackgodson @lazerdoov
Follow these people, they will lead you to the zombie apocalypse

Some of the best MMA fights occur in the ball pit at your local McDonalds.