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Twitter, cause why wouldn't I want to charge my phone every 3 hours?
How is weed illegal while iceberg lettuce just roams free
Why does a woman who says "fuck" seem so much sexier than those that don't?
1. Tell a woman to calm down
2. Run the fuck away
I treat my body less like a temple, more like an abandoned motor home
If I was a girl…
1. So many twitter followers
2. Free drinks
3. The cutest sundresses
Wait, that went awry
If she walks into walls b/c of you, you're doing it right.
If she can't walk b/c of you, you're doing it better.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Tweeting from a computer feels like using a car phone
To people with children, that is so cool. You're life makers. YOU MADE LIFE!
I made this bird feeder one time, you shoulda seen it
There are like a gazillion beautiful AND hilarious women on here. Either
1. I’m being tricked
2. Ladies need to lighten it up in real life
I’ll drink beer before liquor, I don’t give a fuck
*gives a fuck
Do they have "My Twitter crush is better than yours" bumper stickers yet?
Cause that should be a thing
Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?
1993: Be Kind, Rewind
2013: Be Neat, Retweet
She subtweets me, I subtweet her.
She DM's me, I DM her.
I show up at her house, she calls the cops.
Pretty sure I'm doing it right guys
Gonna start sticking my fingers in people's mouths after 140 characters
Cause shut the fuck up already
Redbull and vodka…
Cause hyper and drunk shouldn’t end badly at all
Unfollow me, so I know you’re elite
Jesus take the wheel, no seriously though hurry I'm hammered.
A guy who now loves Twitter http://favstar.fm/users/Benjamin4501/recent