Twitter, cause why wouldn't I want to charge my phone every 3 hours?

How is weed illegal while iceberg lettuce just roams free

Why does a woman who says "fuck" seem so much sexier than those that don't?

Fun game:

1. Tell a woman to calm down
2. Run the fuck away

I treat my body less like a temple, more like an abandoned motor home

If she walks into walls b/c of you, you're doing it right.

If she can't walk b/c of you, you're doing it better.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

To people with children, that is so cool. You're life makers. YOU MADE LIFE!

I made this bird feeder one time, you shoulda seen it

Tweeting from a computer feels like using a car phone

If I was a girl…

1. So many twitter followers
2. Free drinks
3. The cutest sundresses

Wait, that went awry

I’ll drink beer before liquor, I don’t give a fuck

*vomits

*gives a fuck

There are like a gazillion beautiful AND hilarious women on here. Either

1. I’m being tricked
2. Ladies need to lighten it up in real life

She subtweets me, I subtweet her.
She DM's me, I DM her.

I show up at her house, she calls the cops.

Pretty sure I'm doing it right guys

Do they have "My Twitter crush is better than yours" bumper stickers yet?

Cause that should be a thing

1993: Be Kind, Rewind

2013: Be Neat, Retweet

Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

Gonna start sticking my fingers in people's mouths after 140 characters

Cause shut the fuck up already

Redbull and vodka…

Cause hyper and drunk shouldn’t end badly at all

Unfollow me, so I know you’re elite

Jesus take the wheel, no seriously though hurry I'm hammered.