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How to say I love you
In France: "Je taime"
In Spain: "Te amo"
In Germany: "Ich liebe dich"
in Sweden: "Jag alskar"
On Twitter: "Nice tits"
If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will silently add "in the membrane."
Some women like being called "cougars," but I prefer to be known as a "llama"
(long legs and magnificent ass)
Boyfriend dared me to put my legs behind my head. Long story short I got stuck and you don't want to know how I'm typing this.
Unless anyone has any objections, "riding the unicorn" will now refer to a straight woman succeeding in having sex with a gay man.
Hey twitter-sluts: it's a vagina, not the gateway to Narnia.
Dear Funny Guys,
When we say, "I wish I had a guy like you," we never mean YOU specifically. You're just not hot enough.
The problem with eating dinner at that German restaurant is that an hour later you're hungry
Why do y'all call them "kegels?" Wouldn't "cuntractions" be a better term?
When I'm stricken with writer's block, I scream at the screen and clap my hands like a chimpanzee. It's one of my more endearing traits.
I ran out of napkins so I used my dog.
My town is hosting something called "Brofest." I guess "Rapeapalooza" was already taken.
Want to drive a woman crazy? Get over her.
I have a student named Keonte. "You know," he says, "like the wine."
Guys: from now on, can you RT girls who have something smart to say rather than something raunchy? You're cluttering my twitter with skanks.
I ate so many cherries that I pooped out someone's virginity.
I'm the Rubik's Cube of making men frustrated.
Then again, what woman isn't?
I once got CPR from a guy wearing a fedora. That's the closest I've come to ass-to-mouth.
I can't believe my friend dumped the girl he was seeing, because it's not as if anyone else is going to fuck him.
I'm a college professor and a published scholar and writer. But somehow, some way, youre going to make this about my tits.