@shawnhatosy it's ok. I still refer to you as "that dude from The Faculty."

That dog from America's Funniest Videos can say "I love you" more easily that most men.

"Yeah, I'll chip in to fund your stupid movie. But I'm sure as shit not paying taxes."

Call it "a Kickstart for Infrastructure" instead of "taxes" and BOOM! economic crisis averted.

I think it's about time to start calling people jive turkey again.

I'm not saying my love life is weird, but Mulder and Scully have been staking out my dates recently.

Don't be so cocky. Your generation believed that red M&Ms gave you cancer.

"Ghost" is an insensitive term. They prefer "apparition-American."

Baby, are you dessert? Cuz you so sweet, I want to eat you all night then fall into a diabetic coma and die

I only go jogging on the off-chance I'll discover a dead body.

I don't know who Carmelo Anthony is but he sounds delicious.

Pillow talk is a lot less effective when it's done in your Adam Sandler voice.

Ran out of bread, so I made a sandwich with frozen waffles. The Nobel Prize Committee should be calling any minute now.

The last time I went to a Tweetup, I asked a guy to take my picture but he took my innocence instead.

It's funny how the average person likes to ask "written anything that I've read" as if the average person, you know, reads.

The hardest part about teaching rhetoric is convincing students not to compare things to the Nazis.

Truthful Tuesday: there's actually a little diggity.

When I eat spaghetti with my dog, am
I Lady or The Tramp?

Keep living life to the fullest, people who blot the grease off their pizza.

I wonder how many actors have turned down a role because they didn't want to encounter a naked Gary Oldman on set.