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  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    If Casey Anthony wants Nancy Grace off her back, she needs to start killing black babies.

    • 356
    • FAVS
    lawyerthoughtsjamieramoneshanetheveinTwister1426TrainedHedonistWittyClittyCseashellsstankloaf
    • 872
    • RETWEETS
    HorribleTweetzDHam90DarlaCruzeanygirlxchavthraxGunKing1JASacmvpHoboNinjaJason
    TheDLCTheBlessMesspeterbyrnes______
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    "I'm such a dirty, dirty girl" sounds a lot better than "Too lazy to shower."

    • 846
    • FAVS
    LeeWarren96LeanneMcEvoyjcstaisabeldevingangerperez_stefantailenejorresDirkus17genevieverice
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    LeeWarren96MeggiePomDirkus17radsmykno_other_aliasmichaeliotPlaying_DadNamesRachell_
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    I'm thinking of quitting coffee for health reasons. Can anyone recommend a nice breakfast wine?

    • 545
    • FAVS
    LaurenGauthier2__astutenewflawyerthoughtsFRANKSTALICIOUSjamieramoneCseashellsalexisd3000Thedudish
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    astutenewfchocobomoshpitinfinitepetluciddream1______Lisa__DeeRARDBUSHTheLaughBankMnemoSyn
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

    • 293
    • FAVS
    jcolmantiffanykeithlowellGreeblehausTammy2Toneastutenewfpaul_shinnjamieramone
    • 233
    • RETWEETS
    FunnyBoneClubsRaoulMillerredsesamepiewordsmarkjowenTammy2ToneastutenewfJJ_Flight
    robfeeFredPollacktanglemediaidvssuperego
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    I quit drinking to save calories, but all I lost was the will to live.

    • 427
    • FAVS
    astutenewfjamieramoneJordaisymyles_morrisonwriteslikehellRoadfilm__________sofisande________radzycle
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    drinkanddreamspirosrapA_N_G_E_L_I_N_EFavstar500FavsmysticsavageKeithGBalmerZachMentzonthe10brink
    writeslikehell
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    My daughter asked me what punk rock is.
    "Okay, you know Green Day?"
    "Yeah."
    "Well, not that."

    • 383
    • FAVS
    jamieramonelouiegfelipe______peteecwriteslikehellllvvzzBabetteJonesTamiCrujerryRenek
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    writeslikehellarcticchipmunkfabionatterfivedolarshakethaiscamposiriswtf______AnaApfelcarolcapita
    OliverSmiff
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    No school today, so I'm letting the kids choose where we spend the day. (Please pick the liquor store, please pick the liquor store... )

    • 424
    • FAVS
    jamieramoneCseashellsalexisd3000chillin3476FredPollackRoadfilm__________sofisande________Blue_Crab
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    MilorgaMikeFavstar500Favsfavstar1000favsmasseffectedchas50OxygenLynnemissjewel22poppingrocks
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    paul_shinnjamieramoneBabetteJonesstupenduameo02Roadfilm__________Colin_McCormickzombot
    • 192
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHravishdoctorBabetteJonesSkipZoomHopLoveMollyBnsreyFightingCookSassAct
    noahWG
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    I didn't realize how much weight I'd gained over the winter until black guys started checking me out at the gym.

    • 379
    • FAVS
    jamieramoneGreeblehausSchmoodles________SissiSayMauriceBlitztoddmarroneispypandaFatBagsHolla
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    CountryRockGirlMarv_Tha_MogulYourmentor21Sarflondonman____LunaticOnEdgemikemoore72_____Favstar500FavsKeithGBalmer
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    Kids are so cute when they're asleep and not asking for shit.

    • 340
    • FAVS
    jamieramonestupendu5eucheuNickadooSchmoodles________linanneblackSissiSayMauriceBlitz
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    HelloPittie2______TheLaughBankPaulieintheskyRetweeterPeterOneChattyBrat____AndyJukesDukeOfAlhambra____LakePalin
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    "Just going on the computer to check one thing" - me five years ago

    • 317
    • FAVS
    twirlyShellspaul_shinnjamieramonestupenduTamiCruameo02Roadfilm__________Greeblehaus
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    ameo02JPRennquistEmmaLeighDericaROTFL________Verified_XL__________katliljlittleREDelfdsamantone
    Wames_Jaters
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    A friend explained she buys pre-washed salad for the convenience, but always rewashes it for safety. And that's when my head exploded.

    • 338
    • FAVS
    jamieramoneTamiCruRoadfilm__________Colin_McCormickBlue_CrabSchmoodles________linanneblackSissiSay
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    ispypandalaughinggirl80kkaye13AlexKasebergFDZMORAN______Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsJustSton3
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    "You made dinner, how nice! You did it all wrong, but what a lovely thought!"

    Being a control freak is hard work.

    • 344
    • FAVS
    jamieramoneSchmoodles________linanneblacklamourperduxtrodinarylifeSissiSayMauriceBlitzispypanda
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    So I'll use the grocery money to make a minimum payment on the VISA, and use VISA to buy the groceries. I'm a fucking financial genius.

    • 343
    • FAVS
    jamieramonedariennelakeGreeblehausTerinTalaricoSchmoodles________That80sKidMauriceBlitzispypanda
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    LegalizeItfavstar1000favsC0CK5TAR
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    Sometimes I'm capable of charming banter, but most of the time I'm sober.

    • 309
    • FAVS
    jamieramoneTeh1LegacystupendujerryRenek1tru_rubiaSarahEFlickGreeblehausSchmoodles________
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    BanterpropsShoutingGoddessJunketJuice______lejehnkittenishcutiedisturbedsushi____GeorgeAiltsOneLinersPlus
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    Husband: That's Billy Ray Cyrus. His daughter is Miley Cyrus.
    7: Who?
    Husband: Hannah Montana
    7: Who??

    I could not be any more proud.

    • 306
    • FAVS
    sofisande________TerinTalaricoSchmoodles________linanneblackMauriceBlitzsnyddesignersaysMikeJeffJordan
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsTomasJonsen______favstar1000favsfaultypancake________
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    Cinco de Mayo is when we flash our tacos for beads, right?

    • 286
    • FAVS
    jamieramonellvvzzlinanneblackMauriceBlitzsnydDistantTrainROSIESTRAZZEdesignersays
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    zombotCtugxzqxJTJerkofftaliawritesndersonTEAFavstar500Favsshutupimtalking
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    The dog is following me around like I'm made of meat. Wait a minute...

    • 286
    • FAVS
    jamieramonestupenduameo02Blue_CrablinanneblackThat80sKidMauriceBlitz_KennyD_
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    ameo02jmg707TheSamanthaMackchristian95Favstar500Favsandersalencar__favstar1000favsrobclarke82
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

    • 228
    • FAVS
    stupenduBlue_CrabGreeblehausms_woodsyxtrodinarylifeguy_gatenbyismpalaciosTheOwtsyder
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    OrlenOrrvilleRitleySammichconjuratioAuthenticChangeduncans1970enigmaticenigma_BonnieJane_______SuzeInk
    richmckay
  • BettyLies
      Susan @BettyLies

    Whenever I do cardio, I get a sweat mark right under my left boob.

    It's like my heart is weeping.

    • 290
    • FAVS
    jamieramoneBlue_CrabMauriceBlitzMescalinaaEasyAsPieMmmPiesnydROSIESTRAZZEineedcoffee5
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    dalilammybradybFavstar500FavsZzarana13____favstar1000favsFrothe0921amnesiakgirl
@BettyLies

@BettyLies

Welcome to my period tracker! Visit me on WitStream - http://www.witstream.com/#susan_grober