If Casey Anthony wants Nancy Grace off her back, she needs to start killing black babies.

"I'm such a dirty, dirty girl" sounds a lot better than "Too lazy to shower."

I'm thinking of quitting coffee for health reasons. Can anyone recommend a nice breakfast wine?

You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

I quit drinking to save calories, but all I lost was the will to live.

My daughter asked me what punk rock is.
"Okay, you know Green Day?"
"Yeah."
"Well, not that."

No school today, so I'm letting the kids choose where we spend the day. (Please pick the liquor store, please pick the liquor store... )

I didn't realize how much weight I'd gained over the winter until black guys started checking me out at the gym.

If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.

Kids are so cute when they're asleep and not asking for shit.

"Just going on the computer to check one thing" - me five years ago

A friend explained she buys pre-washed salad for the convenience, but always rewashes it for safety. And that's when my head exploded.

"You made dinner, how nice! You did it all wrong, but what a lovely thought!"

Being a control freak is hard work.

So I'll use the grocery money to make a minimum payment on the VISA, and use VISA to buy the groceries. I'm a fucking financial genius.

Sometimes I'm capable of charming banter, but most of the time I'm sober.

Husband: That's Billy Ray Cyrus. His daughter is Miley Cyrus.
7: Who?
Husband: Hannah Montana
7: Who??

I could not be any more proud.

Cinco de Mayo is when we flash our tacos for beads, right?

The dog is following me around like I'm made of meat. Wait a minute...

It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

Whenever I do cardio, I get a sweat mark right under my left boob.

It's like my heart is weeping.