It's no fun to raid the fridge when it's full of fruit and yogurt! Where did the good ole days of junk food go? Oh, right. I'm wearing them.

I'm not saying you're cheap for buying this sucky toilet paper.All I'm saying is that it's not the most convenient place to get a paper cut.

Approximately 87.2% of my problems are due to the fact that I have a vagina. The other 12.8% are due to the fact that I don't have a penis.

I came. I saw. More batteries. Then I came again.

Omigod, I'm so hungry right now I could eat vegetables.

Living with my parents is severely threatening my sex life that I don't have but wish I had and now I can use living with them as an excuse.

My first one-night-stand is on Facebook. Seriously considering putting "yours is the first penis I ever touched" on his page.

If there is one thing I hate, it's hypocrisy.

I mean, I don't mind when I do it... but I won't tolerate it from anyone else.

Some days I feel like a nut.
Some days I feel like this restraining order isn't enough to keep me from making him mine forever and ever.

Hells yeah, I'm talented! I can cry and/or orgasm on command. It's when I confuse the two that the trouble starts. Like at Hank's funeral.

Ewww. Pinacolada is gross. I'd rather a penis in my mouth. But. What else is new. Right?

Trying to decide what colour to dye my... uh... drapes.

I'm not worried about matching the carpet; I'm hoping to get hard wood.

I spent Fat Tuesday the same way I spend every other Tuesday. Fat.

My brother just told me to fuck myself. That might offend some people but I'm just glad to have something to do tonight.

That's odd. These pants are really tight today. I must be retaining chocolate.

I hate boys! Was he flirting or making fun of me? Kindergarten rules still apply, right? If he pulls my hair, I'm totally gonna score!!

The cop investigating my car accident was totally hitting on me. He's all "what's your name and address". What a flirt! He'll call for sure.

Twitter.
Where men are men.
And so are the women.

I should warn you, I am insane. Demented. Deranged. Mad. Maniacal. Paranoid. Psychotic. But I have a thesaurus so...you know...there's that.

Pro tip: After a phone argument, always ensure the other party has disconnected before screaming FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! Related: Sorry Grandma.