God is like upper management of the company: no matter what you invented, good or bad, he gets the credit.

The difference between me and @heidimontag is that my boobs are staring at your eyes. Her boobs are staring at HER eyes.

Morning news...nearly 2 million baby monitors recalled after 2 deaths? Maybe they should recall some parents, too.

The #Bachelor show has become the nationally televised version of the ladies room at 1am at any bar anywhere. Girls crying over stupid shit.

I wonder if the Post Office would still deliver my package if I put "Do Not Bend, Bitches" on the outside of it?

Marriage is all fun and games...until one of you gets a Twitter.

I'm on 69 lists. That's multiple lists, not a list of 69ers. Just for clarification.

If your plastic surgeon is ugly, it's okay. It means he feels he's the best in his field and he has no plastic surgeon friends.

If I have become my ex-husband, the U.S. military & ugly women had better be afraid. He has a knack for f*cking one & deserting the other.

"For most men, if they can't make women laugh, they are out of the evolutionary contest." ~Christopher Hitchens

Police arrest 2 suspects in bombing of IKEA stores. Who would bomb an IKEA store? Don't they know how hard it is to put that sh*t together?

I'd love to see an Extreme Home Makeover where the 13 year old kid was solely interested in boobs. Boob steps, boob bed, boob lamps, boob...

I thought spoiled tantrums and bitchassness was an American thing. Canadians are the new Americans?

If my dog eats my pizza, should I then eat my dog? I still need the calories.

Of course Michael Douglas will win a Golden Globe - they always give awards to those near death or dead.

"(God) bless you" means nothing to atheists. You should, perhaps, hand them a dollar every time they sneeze. THAT would be a blessing.

I've got two options for tonight: stay at home and read a book, or hit up a small town and wait for a bar brawl to break out over me.

Shut the fuck up, @kevinhart4real. I love ya but women love football too.

When I see *some* British people, I still see them suckling their mother's tit whilst she sips tea. They just have that pasty look.

Taiwan's healthcare system ROCKS. They have a system run like Medicare but for everyone. Their hc costs are 7% of budget. Ours=17%.