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I want a "welcome" mat that says "If you are here, and didn't make prior plans to be here, please turn the fuck around and leave."
One reason I'd hate to be a guy:
Sneezing while peeing.
Yes, I often star AND retweet. If it's good enough to star, it's good enough to share.
It's so rude that people compare Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse!!
Horses are beautiful!!!
I'm gonna name my vagina "Rapture" and hope it comes tonight.
Thank you followers, you're so awesome! You make up for the whole 12-awkward-years of being "that weird girl" in school.
Thank you, boys in skinny jeans, for silently convincing single girls to move on to someone with junk.
Women can handle a lot of dirty, vulgar, taboo things nowadays.
But I say "I hate Christmas" & they act like I just shat in their purse.
If you threaten to leave the US because you don't like fellow citizens being granted rights YOU have, I have two words for you.
12 years old: "Vagina is such a weird word! Eww, I don't wanna say it!"
28 years old: "Vagina vagina vagina VAAAAGIIIINAAAAAAA!!!!!
"Well, I'm not getting laid, so Twitter it is."
-Me, and probably most of you.
Yeah, I retweet stuff for causes I believe in. Get the fuck over it.
You know what I love? Touching the buttons on jeans that have just come out of the dryer. #fucklaundry
Stop saying *the C word! It's disgusting, it's awful, and it pisses me off!
In the south, you have columns in front of your house, not pillars. Pillars are what you sleep on.
I'm guessing no one else gets as enraged as I do when the microwave gives me the reminder beep. Crabby, impatient bastard, FUCK YOU!
If zombies eat brains, then I'm fine with that, considering where my brain is...
No, I don't stop shaving for winter. I happen to like sex.
Also, you never know when a cute paramedic is gonna have to cut your pants off.
Nothing frustrates me quite as much as having to poop after my shower.
I think it's time to clean my straightener. My hair smells like fried hot dogs and an all-night bender, complete with walk of shame.
Low-maintenance with zero daddy issues. I'm like a unicorn! @She_wolf83 pours my tea. @QuietNoMore7 shares my DNA.