Poptarts are a parent's way of saying I don't love you enough to make you breakfast.

Cold sores let people know that you like to party.

I could fix most peoples' problems with a shovel.

I just took an ugly girl's glasses off. Movies are bullshit!

I wish George was a little more curious about shit I'm interested in, like pornography and crystal meth. We have nothing in common.

Role playing tonight! She's gonna act uninterested & I'm going to act like people think I'm funny on Twitter.

If this lady's yoga pants are keeping any secrets, her meat curtains aren't one of them.

Drawing dicks on the baby while she naps.

You fuckers really like cats.

Why hasn't Twitter introduced a slurred font?

Do sandwich artists ever get tired of saying "I've got your $5 footlong right here"?

"Don't get pissy with me missy" will settle a woman right down.

I hope Grandma knows some new dick jokes.

Went big. Still going home. Fuck that place.

Jesus died for our sins. I'm just making it worth His while.

Don't get me wrong, but fuck coffee and all of your coffee related concerns. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not a coffee drinker.

A lot of guys must have a c-section scar fetish. They keep strip clubs in business.

Before Twitter, I despised laugh tracks. Now, I wish "send" triggered an applause sign.

"Are you hiring?" No "can I get an application?" sure "how many days do I get off?" all of them, we're not hiring. Just happened.

My friend the addiction counselor informed me that 11 beers isn't a couple.