Once Fran Drescher fixed her voice, she found her niche hawking Progressive Insurance.

I am your future. Swallowed up in fire.

Your choice in music is why bad things happen.

My anxiety peaks trying to choose between my Affliction and Ed Hardy t-shirts.

What did I miss? I was posting cute pictures of me taking a bath in the sink.

I can always tell if someone has ever had sex in a truckstop restroom. It's a gift.

Hahaha there's a website called ChristianMingle.- setup. It's some kind of dating site.-punchline. Nailed that motherfucker!

I've never seen a fire that couldn't use a little more fuel.

Stirring pots. It's kind of my thing.

"Whoa, I hate Jews" is his new catchphrase.

I'm going to be somebody's fucked up secretary some day.

I like the Doors, so that's me riding a fine line between sincere and dipshit.

In the beginning it's wild and there's a lot of blowing and she takes the house when she leaves.

For every Volt I see on the road, I burn an entire package of styrofoam cups.

This tree hugging dickbag probably freebases with an eco-bulb.

By the looks of my yard, I need more cumin in my diet.

I'm sitting out this running trend.

If my surname was Higga, at least one of my kids would have been named Myan.

Loose boxers and a broken zipper have determined how I'll be rocking out today.

My MMA style competitive eating club is fucking extreme.