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If I could be any actor in Hollywood, I'd be Jon Hamm's penis
My Mom was right!...I am totally useless
Hey guys I need help, what should I wear on a 1st date? Ok well not so much a 1st date, its more feverishly masturbating in an Arbys
"people never RT or star my funny shit! WTF!!"- People that care way to much about twitter...& me
I just let out a fart that sounded like someone sneezing into a tuba in an empty opera house
Do all Asian women under 4 feet live till they're 167?
I hope they wrapped Bin Laden in bacon & gave him a nice sear before tossing him to the sharks #gourmetfishfood #nowimhungry
If someones tweet makes me laugh I retweet it.If someones tweet makes me horny I slam my boner in the refrigerator door & cry into the mayo
Everytime I see a man in flip flops I hope he has to run from a serial rapist or cross a bridge of broken glass
Ya GEICO we get it! Long haired mexicans hate car insurance! We already knew that shit
Why don't they treat NASCAR drivers the same way they treat Grey hounds & horses when they're done racing?