My Mom was right!...I am totally useless

@stellartwot your a sick fuck u know that!?!? That's y I want to tongue punch the shit out of ur fart box #truelove

Hey guys I need help, what should I wear on a 1st date? Ok well not so much a 1st date, its more feverishly masturbating in an Arbys

If I could be any actor in Hollywood, I'd be Jon Hamm's penis

"people never RT or star my funny shit! WTF!!"- People that care way to much about twitter...& me

@stellartwot god I want to shit on ur chest :)

Who are all these people lying about liking big butts? #topical

I just let out a fart that sounded like someone sneezing into a tuba in an empty opera house

Do all Asian women under 4 feet live till they're 167?

I hope they wrapped Bin Laden in bacon & gave him a nice sear before tossing him to the sharks #gourmetfishfood #nowimhungry

Hey @mumfordandsons talk to me when you have a bear blowing into a jug in your band

#FF @orny_xo @dsmitty62 @bobbinnweavin @themainlandblog @themichaelrock @robmart4 follow them now you fucking idiots!!!

If someones tweet makes me laugh I retweet it.If someones tweet makes me horny I slam my boner in the refrigerator door & cry into the mayo

Hey @stellartwot thnx 4 the RT! u got my shit blowin up, now I can take the noose off...well after I cum so hard I black out #INXS #killbill

Everytime I see a man in flip flops I hope he has to run from a serial rapist or cross a bridge of broken glass

Ya GEICO we get it! Long haired mexicans hate car insurance! We already knew that shit

Why don't they treat NASCAR drivers the same way they treat Grey hounds & horses when they're done racing? 

Time for a nappy poo or as my grandma always called it...."violently shitting the bed"

Oh you think your Monday sucks? Well I just watched Back to the future & now the Price I$ Right is on. Ya your right your Monday sucks

@orny_xo the explosive diarrhea is at close out prices right now!& we always have chipotle if you want to ruin a 1st date with a laugh shart