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I'm sick of hearing about this World Class chef at Taco Bell. Chefs don't work at Taco Bell. Your weed dealer works at Taco Bell.
My 6-year-old just announced his intention to kiss a girl with his penis. The force is strong in this one.
Ok, atheists, we get it. You don't believe in God. I don't believe in Strawberry Shortcake, but don't feel the need to advertise it. Relax.
I just saw a sweet old lady struggling to get her suitcase on the bus. I had to go in the other door because that shit was taking forever.
Unlike MC Hammer, I'm exactly the right amount of legit to quit in any given situation.
People on Twitter brag about how their sexual partners can't walk afterwards. Am I supposed to be striking her with a club or something?
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Narcissism is such an unattractive quality. It looks good on me, though.
Macaulay Culkin is apparently addicted to heroin. I blame the repeated lack of supervision during his childhood.
If I had boobs, I'd never leave the house. Mainly because it would be really embarrassing being a dude with boobs.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can't be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Do you really think our dead homies would want us wasting beer?
Listen, I get it. All I want to do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, too. But I've got a lot to do today. It's just not in the cards.
Whenever I'm about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
I'm concerned that Nate Dogg and Warren G couldn't afford better accommodations than the East Side Motel.
I just watched a fat kid say no to a piece of cake. Now I don't know what the fuck I believe in.
I hope this doesn't sound racist, but I think all goldfish look alike.
Yesterday, my 7-year-old hit a home run and googled "boobs" on his iPad. Looks like my work here is done.
I walked in the exit at Wal-Mart to see what it's like to live the G life.
It's not for me. Not for me.
I'm not nearly as charming or attractive as I think I am. http://bigheb.blogspot.com/