Even in my own shower at home, I look around before I pick up the soap I dropped.

I hope a sexy woman sits next to me on the plane... So I can ignore her while having nasty sexual fantasies about her.

Vacation hangovers are always better than normal crappy everyday hangovers.

If you come to the party wearing your ponytail on the top of your head like a handle, don't bitch when I use it like one.

Some people should have their dirty underwear stuffed in their mouths and be hogtied with duct tape... You know, just another Saturday night

RT @bristolsweets: You can't rush perfection... That's why I'm taking my time blowing you.

I am sitting outside of work thinking it might be less painful to shove a pen through my eye that talk to any of these fucktards

@sinistersweetie Pigtails!

@sinistersweetie I'm in!

There is a serious lack of nudity around here.

Spent the day floating down the river drinking beer while surrounded by tons of hot girls and women in bikinis... This vacation did not suck

@_star_76 Jack & Coke here

Hello twitterverse! Had a cup a coffee and a shower, shave and shit, getting dressed for work bright and early... day still fucking sucks.

I jerked awake and realized I had been writing tweets in my half-sleep. I can't remember any now, but they were fucking fantastic!

I think I get more excited about going to BevMo than my kids did about going to Toys 'R Us

Thinking about going out to enjoy the beautiful day, but then I realized that there are real people out there, and you know how THEY are...

RT @eveofxmas: Can we get a maid? I'll let you fuck her.

This is how you get a maid, and a pissed off husband when you pick an ugly one!

Being at home is like being at work... I am pretending to work so I can be on Twitter without being hassled. Oh, wait, there's booze here.

Good morning world! Now that I have had a shower and a cup of coffee, I can properly say, "Go fuck yourself."

You have to question your choices in life when the first thing you do at 5:30 am is start checking Twitter to see what you missed last night