If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I feel like they should make high-heel Crocs for Saturday night trips to Walmart.

My mom just texted me this emoticon: ({})

Someone tell me she didn't just flash me her vag.

You guys are in for a real treat as soon as I figure out how to say hilarious things in under 140 characters. So definitely keep your eyes o

To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

Yes, I got your Outlook meeting request, but I didn't see a "fucking whatever" button and "accept" didn't sound right.

I like to send my employees a motivational haiku once in a while.

Think I didn't know?
Now you're dead, motherfucker.
Give me back my pen.

I got 99 followers and, well, there are several bitches in there.

I was a sweet kid, but savvy. The kind that would put expiration dates and "do not copy" warnings on hug coupons for his mom.

If I'm ever on trial for murder, I hope I can plead "not guilty by reason of I didn't like the way he gestured that he was on the phone".

Thanks everyone* for the #FF's! *none of you

All I want is a girl whose phone will ring at the same time as mine, while we're in bed, alerting us to some national crisis that needs us.

Guys...*out of breath*...just got back from FB...they're planning something big.

Whatever it is, Chad offered to bring his famous taco dip.

If I never thanked you for a TOTD, it wasn't personal, it's because I never got a TOTD.

In my lifetime, I've probably cleaned 18 miles of plastic booths with my ass. You're welcome, Denny's.

I've never waited tables, but I imagine it would only take three people doing the "too full for dessert" gesture before I took lives.

I want to piss on your feet. That's not a fetish, that's you wearing sandals next to me at a urinal.

You haven't really been "in the right place at the right time" until your crush gets a poisonous snakebite on her inner thigh.

I'm only 31, so it's going to be a while before I'm old enough for a 21-year old girlfriend.

Hey gang, it isn't just Favstar. Twitter isn't giving me credit for the 500 new followers I probably got after that last poop joke.