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Leaving a one night stand is not a walk of shame. A walk of shame is waking up by a swing set, covered in glitter, smelling like hot dogs.
The only flash mob I want to be in is one that interrupts and confuses another flash mob.
Couples who brag about great communication skills have never moved heavy furniture together or parked a trailer to the other's hand signals.
Listen up soon to be parents, I am about to save you a shit load of $. Kids' favorite toys are toilet paper, boxes, bubble wrap,& your dvds.
Your first mistake was cutting me off. Your 2nd mistake was all of those identifying stickers you put all over your vehicle.
I want a Pope bobble-head figurine, so it looks like he's giving me a holy nod of approval when I have to flip someone off in traffic.
Thanks to an inspirational tweet about simplifying life, I torched the dirty laundry & filed a restraining order against my mother in law.
Please, rev your engine one more time! I know some of the other neighbors were unsure about whether or not you're a douche.
Having 'daddy's girl' on your license plate when you are over 20 says to the world that Daddy bought the car, and things are a little weird.
Watch the news? I prefer hourly updates on the phone from my dad, while he cleans his rifle, eats kipper snacks, & waits for the apocalypse.
The best part of the royal wedding was the passive-aggressive, ugly hat competition.
There's buzzed, tipsy, drunk...And then there's licking a complete stranger and then crying while you sing a Whitney Houston karaoke number.
Drinking my coffee while curling my hair is the closest I get to being a risk taker.
When someone starts a phone call with "Can you do me a giant favor?" I automatically stab myself with something sharp so I have an excuse.
Naming your kids Monroe and Moroccan is what happens when you ingest too much body glitter.
Someone hit me in the face with a dog shit shovel if I ever ask 300 acquaintances on Facebook which haircut I should get.
People who talk about how church rejuvenates them must be unaware of the Sunday nap. It is fantastic.
I see the glass 1/3 full because I am a realist and borderline alcoholic.
Thanks to kids' meal toys, I don't have to teach my kids about how hype usually ends in disappointment.
After looking at all the presidential hopefuls, I am just hoping you are all practicing safeguarding your assholes. We are so fucked.
As long as you refrain from trying to sell me useless shit or your version of Jesus, we will probably get along just fine.