Leaving a one night stand is not a walk of shame. A walk of shame is waking up by a swing set, covered in glitter, smelling like hot dogs.

The only flash mob I want to be in is one that interrupts and confuses another flash mob.

Couples who brag about great communication skills have never moved heavy furniture together or parked a trailer to the other's hand signals.

Listen up soon to be parents, I am about to save you a shit load of $. Kids' favorite toys are toilet paper, boxes, bubble wrap,& your dvds.

Your first mistake was cutting me off. Your 2nd mistake was all of those identifying stickers you put all over your vehicle.

I want a Pope bobble-head figurine, so it looks like he's giving me a holy nod of approval when I have to flip someone off in traffic.

Thanks to an inspirational tweet about simplifying life, I torched the dirty laundry & filed a restraining order against my mother in law.

Please, rev your engine one more time! I know some of the other neighbors were unsure about whether or not you're a douche.

Having 'daddy's girl' on your license plate when you are over 20 says to the world that Daddy bought the car, and things are a little weird.

Watch the news? I prefer hourly updates on the phone from my dad, while he cleans his rifle, eats kipper snacks, & waits for the apocalypse.

The best part of the royal wedding was the passive-aggressive, ugly hat competition.

There's buzzed, tipsy, drunk...And then there's licking a complete stranger and then crying while you sing a Whitney Houston karaoke number.

Drinking my coffee while curling my hair is the closest I get to being a risk taker.

When someone starts a phone call with "Can you do me a giant favor?" I automatically stab myself with something sharp so I have an excuse.

Naming your kids Monroe and Moroccan is what happens when you ingest too much body glitter.

Someone hit me in the face with a dog shit shovel if I ever ask 300 acquaintances on Facebook which haircut I should get.

People who talk about how church rejuvenates them must be unaware of the Sunday nap. It is fantastic.

I see the glass 1/3 full because I am a realist and borderline alcoholic.

Thanks to kids' meal toys, I don't have to teach my kids about how hype usually ends in disappointment.

After looking at all the presidential hopefuls, I am just hoping you are all practicing safeguarding your assholes. We are so fucked.