I warn you again: every single #iPhone5 is a Steve Jobs horcrux.

"I have had it with these motherf***ing snakes in this motherf***ing Ireland!" -- St. Patrick L. Jackson

Joe Biden is already waving his pants in the air like a fuckin flag

WHY IS THERE NO PUPPY BOWL VERSION OF THE DEBATE?

A: Eating a bag of thumbtacks, alone. / RT @realdonaldtrump What could be better than dinner with @mittromney and me? https://t.co/54juFlVb

Credit where due: Mitt Romney's concession speech totally gracious, well done. Good for this country. Bravo, Governor.

"Is that brain?" -- Zombey Deschanel

1) Citizens: if someone challenges your vote today, ask for their name / ID, who they represent, take their picture, put in on social media

Gay marriage just passed MN. Senate and I am IMMEDIATELY abandoning wife and kids to marry Prince

My remarks about Hitler being "a wonderful man who was 100% correct about everything" were taken out of context.

"I have had it with these motherf***ing snakes in this motherf***ing Ireland!" -- St. Patrick L. Jackson

"Is that Bane?" -- Zooey Batmanel

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Hitler #HigherStakesChildrensBooks

Warning: every single iPhone 4 is a Steve Jobs horcrux.

MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE YARDS TO THE aw damn it

The average Star Wars fan has put 7000 times more thought into the story than Lucas ever has.

Isn't it time for us to make Betty White do something funny again? Suggestion: parkour.

For decency's sake, everyone stop saying "Vagina!" Please use the medical term "Scary Ladysex Place."

"Holy Infant, so tender and mild" always sounds a bit too culinary.

No true Scotsman would ever not punch Donald Trump.