Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

Do you know who has "AMAZING" tweets? Nobody. Nobody has AMAZING tweets! Settle down, people, they're tweets, not blow jobs.

The most socially awkward of all the dinosaurs was the Michaelceratops.

After lesbians have sex, I bet there's an insane amount of not shutting the fuck up.

Truth be told, I seriously doubt that your guess is as good as mine.

Girls are made of sugar and spice and estrogen and emotions and feelings and tears and baggage and assorted issues and I'm out of room.

Give a man a blowjob and you'll eat for a day. Repeat indefinitely.

The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.

It's ironic that North Carolina would prohibit gay unions when they're on top of another Carolina.

Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

If you mean getting a blowjob while listening to the radio, then yes, I like radiohead.

A recent study revealed that the main reason why men view women as sex objects is because they have vagínas.

Ugh. Vidal jokes already? Too Sassoon!

I just figured out that my asshole neighbor is using my Wi-Fi network. I'm gonna change the name of my network to "I fucked your wife".

I just put a huge load in the dishwasher.

She spit it out though. :(

Just saw a girl eating. In March. Wow. Guess she doesn't give a shit about bikini season.

Whenever a Facebook "friend" shares bad news, like a divorce, or a serious illness, or a death, I try to cheer them up by commenting, "LOL".

If you mean rubbing ice on girl parts, then yes, I like coldplay.

Give a woman a whore and she'll have hot lesbian sex for a day. Teach a woman to whore and she'll be exactly like your mom.