You know nothing about a woman until she's drunk and mad at you.

Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

I hate when people correct you on the gender of their dog. "Ahh, she is a he!" Ahh, it doesn't matter. Nobody here is trying to fuck it!

They should rename the Real Housewives series, "Why Women Make Less Money Than Men."

Every time a young girl vomits, a Victoria’s Secret angel gets its wings.

My mom has been here visiting for two weeks and now I totally understand why my dad decided to get cancer and die.

I like Twitter because it taught me there are so many folks just like me with delusions of grandeur who think people care what they say.

Trans fats are not always bad, Chaz Bono seems like a real sweetheart.

Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.

Sometimes it's important to slow down and just be grateful to be here, at this moment in history, when I'm alive and tweeting.

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

"Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever

Negra Modelo is my favorite beer that sounds like my dad describing Tyra Banks to a Mexican.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

I don’t judge people for what they believe. But I will form conclusions based upon what people try to make ME believe.

Hey Americans, I dare you to keep making jokes about Canadians, see what fucking happens (nothing will happen, we hate conflicts. Sorry)!

The computer has done to my penmanship what marriage has done to my blowjobmanship.

There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that's a carousel.
I must have it.

Listen ladies,

No guy wants to hear about your other guys.

Ever.

Fucking Ever.