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NO! These are apple turnovers! You've got it completely misconstrudel'd!
I dunno either : /
Missed connection: the chemical signal that triggers you to stop eating when you're full and my brain receptor.
When I die don't say "she would've wanted us to move on and be happy" because that is simply not the case.
That's so cool that your kids don't play video games! It must be so freeing to have no discernible identity of your own to find time for.
"I WANNA TOUCH THAT FUCKING BEACH BALL"- white people at concerts
A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich.
Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME
Just a matter of time before phone companies start charging a "surveillance fee."
"Field of Dreams" is so unrealistic. No woman would ever let her husband build a baseball diamond or go on a road trip or have fun.
Maybe poor people don't even like food, we don't know.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I'd rather be dry humped by a gorilla than sit and listen to a girl talk about her boyfriend.
Native Americans didn't have toilets. They'd go out hunting or fishing and they'd…they'd just shit all over this great land we call America.
New guy at Starbuck's dotted the "i" in Erica w/a ♥ on my cup. Marriage proposal, right? Or he's gay. Or a playa. Dickbag. Hate him already.
My son asked me what does it mean if you open a fortune cookie and there's no fortune inside. I just started crying and hugged him.
Oh, you think Kobe is better than Michael Jordan? Tell me then, how many movies has Kobe made with Bugs Bunny? STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!
According to WebMD, I’m sick of your shit.
"well that's an unfortunate coincidence"- Alanis Morissette after learning that 'Ironic' contained very little irony
Ever wonder what it would be like if most people didn't suck?
I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he's in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like "Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!"
There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.
Current head writer for all the TV shows. Follow me, RT and favorite all my tweets, and I'll probably give you a job.