Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Just saw a girl eating. In March. Wow. Guess she doesn't give a shit about bikini season.
I'm not dumping you. I'm cancelling my subscription to your issues.
I don't care. I'll straight up fingerblast a girl goodbye at the airport.
Your text convo pic isn't as funny as you think it is.
One in four women can't name all their past lovers.
And I have a name for women like that.
Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
Girl, you must be a website cuz I wanna blindly click "yes" on your terms and conditions for use.
Quadriplegics can't hold their liquor.
A rape whistle but for when ugly people look at you.
Some girls here require more attention than real relationships I've been in.
Black rhinos are just like regular rhinos except they never meet their father.
If you were wondering if Sebastian Bach is still a giant douchetard, he named his new album Abachalypse Now.
The best things in life are freebased.
I ain't tryna start trouble, but shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?
Tip: When catfishing uptight Christian bitches on ChristianMingle, don't say you're "Christian as fuck."
Remember, ladies, whenever you click "Tweet," you're not just posting a tweet, you're also neglecting your housework.
I was gonna Instagram my cat but she's like 35 now and her tits aren't what they once were...
IDEA: A Vine, but with no video. Just words. With like 140 characters max.
Current head writer for all the TV shows. Follow me, RT and favorite all my tweets, and I'll probably give you a job.