I've just figured out my superpower: making all the vodka in the bottle disappear. Yes, I'm awesome like that. I should buy a cape.

Stop fucking asking me to cuddle! Want me to hold you? Smell like bacon. I'll fucking hold you til you die.

You know, bacon is like a penis. It's limp when you take it out of the package but put some heat on it and...BAM! Who likes it crispy, baby?

I think you have to get high before watching a Harold & Kumar movie. Like you're supposed to slit your wrists before any Twilight movie.

So my mom kept waving this "mistletoe" over people's heads. I just sat back while she waved my pot around.

Is it just me or when you begin to hate someone, does their every move start to get on your nerves & you want to chop them up in pieces?

So this chick asked me to hold her hair while she threw up so she doesn't get chunks in her hair. My bad then for vomiting on her head.

Is it gay if the preacher does jazz hands while talking about how "fabulous" it was for Jesus to have 12 guys around all the time?

I think there should be a game called Angry Bitches where we hurl drunken skanky whores at ex lovers and watch them both EXPLODE!

Help me gain followers! That should bring my count up to....12? ...Come on! I'm on such a loser streak I faked an orgasm while masturbating.

I'm at the store looking for a "thanks for letting me fondle your pee-pee" gift card.

So I clicked on an account and I get "This user does not exist." Oh my fucking god! I just followed a ninja!

Ever go to the bathroom and say, "Shit. I knew that wouldn't flush when I ate it."

Siri, does this fucktard honestly think I'm going to fondle his pee pee for buying me tons of drinks tonight? I am but does HE think that?

Don't try to hug me if you don't want an elbow to your nose. Do I look like I'm huggable? What's with people nowadays? Fucktard.

Hey, fucktards bragging about working out and running. I break out my voodoo dolls of you guys and shove brownies in your voodoo faces.

I just love days like this when I don't give a fuck how I look and smell.

Why is it nobody ever sends flowers with the card "Thanks for the awesome blow job"?

It's gonna be a shit day. I can smell it.

For the holidays I'm getting a job as a pole dancer.....a North Pole dancer. It'll be extra $$ if you want me to go down your chimney.