I want cookies all over my face right now. I want them down my throat. Mmmm yeah baby bust that macademia nut... Get it on my glasses...

Am pretty certain I have strep throat, throat cancer and/or a mild case of HIV. Thanks for the boost of confidence, WebMD.

I'm 25 and stealing lip balm. I would feel bad but the shit is $5. Who the fuck does Burt and his Bees think they are?!

<--- just tried to order chinese food via gmail. yeah. *puts weed away*

SHUT THE FUCK UP RICH BITCH SOME OF US CAN'T PAY RENT RT @iamdiddy

Don't sweat the small stuff!

You know you're bitter when you look at other women in gorgeous coats and think "I bet the pussy trash though".

Yes, I just yelled in all your faces. What the fuck are you gonna do. Just what I thought, nothing. So stfu and keep scrolling. Bitch.

I want a milkshake, orgasm & chicken in that order EXACTLY.

#iHate when ur blow drying ur hair just to have it straight but halfway thru ur arms get tired and ur like fuck it i ain't even going out

For the record, we ALWAYS going hard EVERY night. Whether it be going balls-deep in bitches or milk-deep with oreos, WE GO HARD.

My foot just fell asleep. That's how bored I am. MY BODY PARTS ARE TAKING NAPS.

If you show up with your child or god forbid children to see Django Unchained tomorrow at Western theater around noon, I WILL MURDER YOU.

I'm the worst at rating anything ever. If I loved it, it gets all the stars; if I liked it, it gets all the stars, if I hated it, I ignore.

I like to confuse my food and let it think it has a chance. BUT IT DON'T.

Accidentally chewed on a pen at Chase. I AM GOING TO DIE SOON. I can feel the virus spreading through my body.

I know there is not a fucking bear on the goddamn loose on Twitter. I wonder if he knows Jeeves.... Do baboons and bears get along?

Someone's lunch made our breakroom smell like slaughtered sea turtles dipped in burnt cheese. DISGUSTING.

I wouldn't even joke about disrespecting chicken. Not in my wildest dreams would I ever say "Chicken is b..." See, I can't even finish that.

GODDAMMIT TWITTER WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO GET HEAD! SHIT!

Stalked my ex on FB. His latest status said something about a 10 mile bike ride and "fuck yeah exercise". Dodged that bullet.