Me: Siri, call home

iPhone: this is iPhone 3 you cheap bitch.

Twitter is like a storm trooper costume,makes any dork look hot

I'd probably drink more water if I found out it's really bad for me.

If 90% of your tweets don't involve TV shows or lack of sex, your life is actually worth living and you have no right being on Twitter.

Maybe I'm just oldschool, but I like my sex without the 't' on the end.

Does "who do I have to blow to get a retweet around here?" ever really work?

I wonder if 50 cent knows he's known as 46.60701 AUS over here.

Don't worry,no one understands me in real life either

The key to a good blow job is not only technique, it's enthusiasm.

We all love Twitter because it's the place where people love the things you hate about yourself.

I wish I loved anything as much as those girls in the TV commercials love having their period.

Hey girls who feel empty & inadequate unless they have a man,that's a lot of pressure on a creature who can't even piss inside a toilet bowl

Delete is Twitter's morning after pill.

Who else has a heart atack when someone touches their phone?

I'm so competitive.I see a boob avi,I do a better 1,see a leg avi,same thing,see a smart tweet by a great girl,I do an even better boob avi.

Is twitter crush the same as,I really really really wanna bang you?

Because I have a few of those!

I went to the movies last night & I was the only woman wearing heels,remember when only lesbians wore comfortable shoes?

Dear men who are gentlemen but have filthy minds,keep that shit up,we love it.

There's not enough naked weirdos on Twitter.

- no woman, EVER.

Twitter men have taken the shock factor out of random hobo flasher attacks,now I just smile a kindly 'thank you' and mentally rate them.