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I'll be opening up a Twitter cafe soon, it'll be called StarFucks.
I get why so many of us girls are lesbians. Look at a pair of Breasts, now look at a nutsack.
I don't have any tattoos for the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a BMW.
All it takes to shut up a man is 62 stab wounds to the chest.
My idea of anal sex is constantly wiping the sweat off of us, keeping the wrinkles out of the sheets, and staying in the middle of the bed.
My pussy is like a gremlin, you get it wet and it won't stop trying to kill you until you beat it to death.
I love Twitter. I haven't had 114 crazy people follow me since I tried to drive away from The Osmond Family Reunion with the buffet.
I have small tits because God felt guilty about making me so pretty.
If you liked it then you should have put a retweet on it.
If I don't fart while you're fucking me, you're doing it wrong.
If I don't find a Black boyfriend soon, I'm just gonna go ahead and screw up my credit by myself.
10 years of piano lessons and all I got out of it is these wonderfully self pleasing fingers.
I always laugh when a guy screams my name during sex, because I never tell them my real name when I pick them up at the Home Depot.
If you bring me a cheesecake on our first date, I will eat it off of you.
I didn't go to college, but I was always drunk and fucked everyone, so I sort of did.
I used to wait until the third date to sleep with a guy, now I just wait until the third word he says to me.
Do you remember when Twitter was mainly for celebrities? Now it's mainly for talentless people who think they should be celebrities.
I'm Team Edward at the moment. Mainly, because I'm 90% sure he would lick my pussy while I'm on my period.
If we go out on a date, please don't take me to a restaurant unless it has a bed in it, because I have food at home, I'm with you for sex.
Everytime I suck a black penis, my Dad dies a little inside.