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Pin the tweet doesn't work on mobile, where 70% of users use Twitter. Never mind, guys, Twitter fails again.
This new pin tweets to top feature is pretty awesome. Thanks for doing something right Twitter.
Alfredo is just cheese gravy.
Two days after everyone smokes green we are supposed to remember why we go green. Riiiiiigh.
Guys named Ray are 30% more likely to sell cocaine.
How was everyone's surprise drug test today?
My favorite extreme sport is watching a killer tweet fail on Facebook.
The second largest candy holiday falls on a weed holiday making it the first largest candy holiday.
Don't eat the little eggs the bunny lays. They taste like shit.
A big cup of coffee has the same effect on me as seeing a freshly washed car has on birds.
Italy is shaped like a boot because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.
Maybe if you weren't so batshit fucking crazy people would actually want to be in your life.
For only $20 at Taco Bell you can receive a triple bypass.
Most of the health benefits from an apple is in it's skin. So McDonalds peals them. Don't want people getting the wrong impression.
Earth-sized planet in habitable zone of its star has been spotted by the Kepler Team. Humanity instantly tries to find ways of ruining it.
Funeral slow clapper. Rubber of elbows. Slapper of thighs. Speaker of wit. Eater of sandwiches. Seeker of jobs.