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I got sick of resting bitch face. -Renee Zellweger
ITS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY. IT WAS INVENTED BY REALLY ANGRY INTERNET TROLLS.
I love getting a big hug from my daughter. It gives me a chance to make sure my backup kidneys are growing properly.
I can't know for certain but I'd like to think Elvis would have worn blue suede Crocs.
I'll wine you, dine you and, wait, have you shaved recently? No? Wanna just catch a movie?
Vagina is a lot like Pringles. Once you pop the fun don't stop.
You must have a a very short memory and gloss over half of the bible.
Oh you're a gay preacher for a progressive Christian congregation? That's exactly like being a black Grand Wizard at a mixed KKK gathering.
My wife thinks I buy her ice cream to say I'm sorry. Really I'm just helping destroy her body so it's harder for her to leave.
Things that scare me more than Ebola:
4: People who don't flinch when biting icecream
5: Everyone who didn't notice 3
I hate it when I go shopping for gluten free wheat pasta but when I get home its just a regular large Papa Johns meat lovers pizza.
Couldn't remember the greatest tweet in the world. This is just a tribute.
I say tomato, you say $37.50.
You're a cashier at Whole Foods.
If I see one more quinoa recipe online I'm going to burn down the closest Whole Foods.
There are only two types of women in this world. Mothers and daughters. Both deserve your unrelenting respect.
Being fat isn't that bad really. Waiters always hand you the first menu.
Kids, never take candy from strangers. Except for this one night of the year when it would be impossible to identify them in a lineup.
Funeral slow clapper. Rubber of elbows. Slapper of thighs. Eater of sandwiches.