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Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear platform heels and cheap vanilla perfume.
I'd take my kid to work today but I feel she is too young to be subjected to seedy motel rooms and truck stops. Next year maybe.
If cats could talk they still couldn't be bothered speaking to you.
I encourage my wife to smoke. In the long run it's actually cheaper than a divorce.
The best part of watching your child cry over a toy is knowing exactly how their face will look at your funeral.
Dr. said my prostate felt all good. I responded, "Mmmmmhhhmmmm. It sure does."
Just got the ol' doc finger treatment. All I gotta say is he better fucking call me tomorrow.
Necklaces, the OG Snapchat filter.
We all rely on farmers three times a day. Most under appreciated unsung heroes maybe ever.
Don't want shows spoiled? Turn off the router. Good job. Now hush, child.
Man, this town really dies at 4am. Pussies.
In other sad music news, Kanye was found in his apt still alive this morning.
I have a feeling Prince's death will become an undefined symbol for something.
Anyone offended by the new $20, I'll gladly take those offending bills off your hands.
For lunch today it's chips, jerky, ice cream bars, red popcorn, s'mores, celery, grape jelly, Capn Crunch, two big pizzas, and Funyons. Man.
I thought of a really good stoner joke for today but I can't remember it.
Funeral slow clapper. Rubber of elbows. Slapper of thighs. Eater of sandwiches.
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