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Don't eat the little eggs the bunny lays. They taste like shit.
A big cup of coffee has the same effect on me as seeing a freshly washed car has on birds.
Italy is shaped like a boot because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.
Maybe if you weren't so batshit fucking crazy people would actually want to be in your life.
For only $20 at Taco Bell you can receive a triple bypass.
Most of the health benefits from an apple is in it's skin. So McDonalds peals them. Don't want people getting the wrong impression.
Earth-sized planet in habitable zone of its star has been spotted by the Kepler Team. Humanity instantly tries to find ways of ruining it.
Call it a hunch but I'm guessing the guy who still has the Rudolph nose on his mini van hasn't filed his taxes yet.
Easter Eggs hunts were used to hunt Pagans by bribing children with candy to search for colored eggs on Pagan property. Happy Easter guys!
It's not what you tweeted but rather how you tweeted it.
Me: Just broke 30k followers on Twitter
Her: You're still a loser
M:....A popular loser!
A group of cats is called she's lonely.
You had me at hell no.
My biggest fear as a kid was dad coming home and punishing me. Picture my relief when I realized he was never coming back.
Funeral slow clapper. Rubber of elbows. Slapper of thighs. Speaker of wit. Eater of sandwiches. Seeker of jobs.