@randilawson so I take it the Hanson audition went well?

Fran Drescher on the Voice, for funsies.

@glitterrandguns seriously they are the manifestation of everyone's worst nightmare.

Of all the species humans have driven to extinction, cockroaches couldn't be one of them? Really?!

I bet Apple is pretty mad on missing the boat for naming the iPod shuffle the Appletini.

The worst part of going on vacation is lack of time to Tweet. What I'm trying to say guys is I missed you. It's good to be home.

@scarlet_kitty it's like a poop roller coaster!

On second thought, 36 ounces of beer before a 5 hour flight wasn't a good idea.

It was the BEST idea!

@paxochka if one cannot mock oneself one has no business mocking others.

He wasn't impressed with my inability to spell the word slide.

I bet this guy next to me at the airport bar has no idea how many followers I have on Twitter. I'm gonna slid him an autograph anyway.

Where there's a will there's a way...to bend that will to better suit your needs.

One can only wish: pic.twitter.com/lrU36vGMWd

At a restaurant that Guy Fieri reviewed. They now hand out pinky rings and frost your tips when being seated.

Happy broken condom awareness day!

I'm in mourning over the brain cells that died last night.

Now that the room adjoining me is done fucking, do I congratulate them on shaking my rooms pictures or just buy them room service?

(Well that should cause some backlash. Fuck it. Won't delete. I'm drunk)

Bitch, I'm about to punch you in the face like your future husband will. Teach you not to intentionally spill a drink. Cunt.

Open bar with a good Scotch?!?! I love good weddings.