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The only thing I care about is apathy.
My humility is greater than anyone I know.
Christian Bale says hardest part of his role as Steve Jobs will be portraying a believable smart person.
Either we are entering a terrible time to tweet or I lost my funny. Either way, bye!
Be safe this Halloween and leave Ebola candy out so you don't have to greet diseased children at your door.
When you cum on her face tell her it's a baby shower. Bitches love baby showers.
'To Catch a Predator' would be way better with Danny Glover.
In America we tell people to break a leg for good luck because, well, we're assholes.
A friend of mines adopted son is black and I have no idea how to phrase asking him how old his boy is without sounding like a Republican.
I wonder how long I can stay in the bathroom at work before I get a promotion.
It's almost my favorite drinking holiday. Noon.
Funeral slow clapper. Rubber of elbows. Slapper of thighs. Eater of sandwiches.