Maybe the reason I'm still awake is because I'm wearing drugstore underwear.

I'm upset when actors in commercials get a new role. Now cereal weight loss lady is over at Olive Garden & I'm worried about her health.

Junk mail makes for a terrible panty liner in a pinch.

I'd like to hire someone to come to my house and play with my hair.

I have fallen in love with a smoked cheese. We are registered at Target. Please, no knives.

Without nacho cheese sauce these couch cushions just taste like butt.

Maybe things would be more exciting if people's tweets included more words like porthole and congruent.

Most pee sounds like psssssssssssssss but mine sounds like pssss chhh sssspssss cchhh chh chhh psss. Should I be concerned?

Gas prices are so high I can barely afford to drive to work she said through her veneers, $30 lip gloss, and latte foam.

Thought it was weird that the coconut pie was red then I realized the pie was gone and I was chewing on my own hand.

Never ask a rotting corpse her age.

Why does my toe taste weird?

Pulled an "ooh, I gotta poo" on my husband just as he was about to get in the shower. He's naked in the hall & I just came in here to tweet.

I always wear underwear when I wear pajamas. If I don't, my ass eats my pants and I can't afford to go buy more right now.

I just called work from the parking lot to say I would be late even though I've been here in my car for 20 min. That's how you do anxiety.

Wondering if the traffic camera caught me tweezing that neck hair when I blew through the intersection.

I loudly proclaimed my desire to no longer feel responsible for anyone else's mood. I can now stomp on your foot without any guilt.

I probably would have fit in better with my all-girl pop group if I hadn't made out with all of their brothers.

THE ONLY CONSTANT IN MY LIFE IS GUMMY CANDY.

I force my way out of bed by telling myself not to be a loser. In the end I'm upright & still a loser but at least I can finally pee.