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I'D LIKE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE LIBRARIANS....oh, I'm sorry.
I've known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My married friends have the best "I washed my dick off in the sink" stories.
I hear "its colder in here than outside" like 15 times a day. Its called the sun motherfucker.
Did you just ask me for directions? You got to be fucking kidding me, what year is this?
My "best of" sucks and its your fault.
Ladies, I'll fuck your fat friend.
If you keep starring your own tweets, you'll go blind.
I'm at a gay bar for the drink specials, its really a nice place...I thought there would be more cocksucking.
The person who invented the doorbell was like, don't knock it before you try it..
I never feel older than when people don't get my 80s references. I'll be in the corner of the retirement home doing the robot if you need me
When I see call so and so for a good time written in the men's room, I always add "yeah she's hilarious!"
Anyone else's dad hang a tea bag from the rear view in the car. Not sure if its a fresh air thing or he's putting out signals.
I was always the cool kid at the party who would drink his own piss.
I do my 12-steps at the nightclub.
You are suppose to punch a shark in the nose but I say, punch him in the shark dick!
I'm one retweet away from being cool on twitter, so not really.
That guy that draws portraits at the carnival is a lil skecthy...
yeah, sometimes I'll bring a handgun to the movie theater, cuz like, what if its a really good movie.
Anyone want to come over my house, we can battle rap and make root beer floats!!