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Imagine if spiders could scream loudly...
"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is an awesome phrase. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
Did it hurt? You know, falling from heaven.
Cause your face is FUCKED!
Casually rubbing one out at work.
I always make mistakes when doodling.
Walking into the toilets at work I can really relate to Indiana jones- Temple of doom
3 depressing facts: 1) today is not Friday
2) tomorrow is not Friday.
3) the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
This hangover is going to outlast religion..
Crazy guy at work just asked himself if he's alright...
My parents have friends over for dinner, they're talking about rectal exams... WHAT THE FUCK?!
"I figure, you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."
When I finish work, I'm gonna buy a big chicken pie. Then go home and cry into it.
I started out with nothing, luckily I've still got most of it left..
You know you're unpopular when an automated service refuses to text you back...
Out of sheer desperation and hunger, my stomach has begun to consume itself.
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't try and surprise
James Brown is dead. So, what's the point in pretending any of us still have some kind of soul?