I've lost some of my best drugs to friends.

Ice-T probably loves when life hands him lemons.

please pray 4 my dad he has been having a hard time knowing the difference between game of thrones and hunger games

I want a motivational poster featuring a kitten in a hot air balloon and the phrase "Rise above that shit, lil' nigga".

An easy way to tell if I'm high is me reminding you every couple of minutes.

The most frustrating obstacles in Angry Birds are those texts from my mom.

My favorite Fall Out Boy song is "Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli" or some bullshit like that.

Billy Corgan is just bald Kirsten Dunst.

I've got the worst hangover (the 2nd one, on Blu Ray)

I hope there's an escape tunnel behind every poster of the Dave Matthews Band.

Changing my voicemail recording to "Yes, Dad, I printed out that Barnes and Noble coupon".

Finally got a Blu Ray player! It has this sweet feature that makes DVDs cost $10 more.

Third Reich From the Sun #depressingsitcoms

I'd like to die in my sleep, consumed by a haunted couch.

Clapton wrote the riff to "Wonderful Tonight" on a mehlectric guitar.

The Gay-Straight Alliance was formed to combat a group of superhuman bisexuals, right?

Ever take so much adderall you can hear silent consonants?

Wendy's drive-thru girl just told me to "have a nice a day". Time to remind this bitch who gives the orders around here.

If you pass an Asian guy riding his bicycle in the opposite direction, turn around and follow him because he's probably sensed an earthquake

"Zooey Deschanel" sounds like a member of the Jedi Council.