What if birds are just alien cameras?

Most kids were afraid that the boogeyman or Dracula would get them. I was afraid that the rhythm would get me, thanks, Gloria Estefan

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They're your soulmate.

Is Vanilla Ice's son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I'm seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

In Hell, all you do all day is untangle iPod headphones.

The pet groomer didn't appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the "happy ending".

<==== banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese's for assaulting one of the animatronic bandmembers for ignoring my request to play "Free Bird".

Organic cotton baby clothes. Because its never too early to turn your kid into an asshole.

Wal-Mart greeters love competition, so stand in front of them and greet people before they do.

If you shit your pants in Baskin Robbins they will give you free ice cream just to leave. Pass it on.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me.

I carry wallet size photos of all your avis to show my relatives during the holidays.

Some tweeters make it to 1k in 500 tweets and some do it in 10,000. It's not a race, guys. *snaps laptop in half, kicks it across room*

No matter who you are, someone close to you that you never expected has imagined you naked.

Hey, 19 yr old me, 34 yr old you is going thru grocery store flyers for coupons & deals on a Saturday night. Do all the drugs you want.

I fucked up the Skype address and got someone's Grandma. Oh well, dick's out anyways.

Indiana Jones sure fooled a lot of people into thinking archaeology was cool.

When in doubt, sashay.