"You're using an older version of Twitter that won't be around much longer." Could say the same thing about the internet now.

I love the G, I, O, Q and Z http://www.dafont.com/shaun-of-the-dead.font

If a man in a van was trying to bribe me w/ naps, I would get in.

Release the Kraken! I would like to see that on a pair of boxers.

There's nothing sadder than driving past a strip club w/ no cars in the parking lot and one lone stripper standing outside, smoking.

Oh gawd, Eli, I hate that I want to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane.

Betty White was the inspiration for Hugo Stiglitz in Inglourious Basterds. #BettyWhiteFacts

I appreciate The Who but I wouldn't mind seeing a titty right now honestly.

I'd like to say Vivica A. Fox has come a long way from playing Mr. Freeze's girlfriend, but she hasn't.

I'm going to go pick up my Chinese food. I got the Lonely Woman Saturday Night Special. brb!

Might as well have named him Dris Krown. RT @justmelody: Caleb Bryant. Oh. #SVU

I'm glad Michael Jordan finally decided to shave that Hitler mustache.

Betty White taught MJ how to moonwalk. #BettyWhiteFacts

Maybe someone can explain to me the difference between being celibate and just not getting any. Anyone? Bueller?

T Pain looks like he was going to get some chicken and then just decided to show up.

Ha! RT @3wordswilldo Piers Morgan called Kelsey Grammar unprofessional. All the pots in the world snickered and went back to sleep.

I can't believe we're talking about unicorn fart smells.

The Derek Zoolander Foundation for Fat Kids Who Are Fat but Not Cute Fat like the Fat Kid on Modern Family. #snl

An all white production of The Wiz. Why not just do The Wizard of Oz?! #glee

Why did no one inform me of the cupcake sandwich? And why didn't I invent this myself?