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"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
"I kinda prefer the second reich." - nazi hipster
So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
For everyone curious about Fifty Shades of Grey I've got your answer. They show no cum.
I have to pee like a racehorse. On all fours with millions of drunk women in floppy hats watching.
Too bad Tom Petty didn't have a son named Manny.
Tonight A-Rod will be playing third, batting fourth and pleading the fifth.
I'm remaking Van Halen's Panama video and need a harness, a hair dryer, ten tons of cocaine, no harness and no hair dryer.
Abercrombie & Fitch is probably minutes away from having a guy just masturbating at their store entrance. That is, if I can I find parking.
People excited about Fifty Shades of Grey are going to have fucking heart attacks when they find out about porn.
George Zimmerman is one arrest away from being drafted by the NFL.
"They should make a celebrity diving show." - what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation
FYI, you can fuck anywhere in the store at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
I just killed a spider with a magazine. I made it read Us Weekly and it killed itself.
The last thing I need is a coffin.
I wish you could get Ebola by sitting in a coffee shop and talking loudly about your script.
Writing a thing at Comedy Central and once upon a time Family Guy, Letterman, Crank Yankers and no one is even reading this.
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