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"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
"I kinda prefer the second reich." - nazi hipster
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
Tonight A-Rod will be playing third, batting fourth and pleading the fifth.
Too bad Tom Petty didn't have a son named Manny.
Abercrombie & Fitch is probably minutes away from having a guy just masturbating at their store entrance. That is, if I can I find parking.
I'm remaking Van Halen's Panama video and need a harness, a hair dryer, ten tons of cocaine, no harness and no hair dryer.
"They should make a celebrity diving show." - what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiornio it's a good bet you've also slept with one or two trannies.
A fun thing to do is hold the door open for someone and if they don't say thank you punch them in the fucking face.
The last thing I need is a coffin.
"Speaking of Martin Luther King, did you see 'Blade'?" - Wesley Snipes to someone just now
"I wish." - Chris Martin watching the end of Seven.
If you missed the MTV awards you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.
I'm sorry but a "Breaking Bad" marathon seems totally unfair to Walt Jr.
What if all this time Aretha Franklin had dyslexia and really just wanted a little scepter?
Whatever happened to that football player who killed the girl? No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. N
"Is the heat on?" - old Glenn Frey
Writer. Family Guy, Letterman, Crank Yankers, Zoloft.