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"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
"I kinda prefer the second reich." - nazi hipster
So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
Too bad Tom Petty didn't have a son named Manny.
Tonight A-Rod will be playing third, batting fourth and pleading the fifth.
I'm remaking Van Halen's Panama video and need a harness, a hair dryer, ten tons of cocaine, no harness and no hair dryer.
Abercrombie & Fitch is probably minutes away from having a guy just masturbating at their store entrance. That is, if I can I find parking.
"They should make a celebrity diving show." - what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation
FYI, you can fuck anywhere in the store at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiornio it's a good bet you've also slept with one or two trannies.
A fun thing to do is hold the door open for someone and if they don't say thank you punch them in the fucking face.
The last thing I need is a coffin.
"Speaking of Martin Luther King, did you see 'Blade'?" - Wesley Snipes to someone just now
If you missed the MTV awards you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.
"I wish." - Chris Martin watching the end of Seven.
What was the name of the kid that died in the school shooting? No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. N
Family Guy, Letterman. Instagram: ABLITZTHINGS and loving tag team partner of @apey.