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"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
"I kinda prefer the second reich." - nazi hipster
Tonight A-Rod will be playing third, batting fourth and pleading the fifth.
I'm remaking Van Halen's Panama video and need a harness, a hair dryer, ten tons of cocaine, no harness and no hair dryer.
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
Abercrombie & Fitch is probably minutes away from having a guy just masturbating at their store entrance. That is, if I can I find parking.
Too bad Tom Petty didn't have a son named Manny.
"They should make a celebrity diving show." - what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation
A fun thing to do is hold the door open for someone and if they don't say thank you punch them in the fucking face.
The last thing I need is a coffin.
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiornio it's a good bet you've also slept with one or two trannies.
"Speaking of Martin Luther King, did you see 'Blade'?" - Wesley Snipes to someone just now
"I wish." - Chris Martin watching the end of Seven.
If you missed the MTV awards you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.
What if all this time Aretha Franklin had dyslexia and really just wanted a little scepter?
"Is the heat on?" - old Glenn Frey
This Donald Trump character is Andy Kaufman's greatest bit ever.
Whatever happened to that football player who killed the girl? No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. No, the other one. N
I'm sorry but a "Breaking Bad" marathon seems totally unfair to Walt Jr.
I enjoy writing for Adult Swim and have enjoyed writing for Family Guy, Letterman, Crank Yankers and blood money.