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"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
"I kinda prefer the second reich." - nazi hipster
So, what're all of us fortunate people complaining about today?
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
Too bad Tom Petty didn't have a son named Manny.
Tonight A-Rod will be playing third, batting fourth and pleading the fifth.
I'm remaking Van Halen's Panama video and need a harness, a hair dryer, ten tons of cocaine, no harness and no hair dryer.
Abercrombie & Fitch is probably minutes away from having a guy just masturbating at their store entrance. That is, if I can I find parking.
George Zimmerman is one arrest away from being drafted by the NFL.
"They should make a celebrity diving show." - what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation
FYI, you can fuck anywhere in the store at Jo-Ann Fabrics.
I wish you could get Ebola by sitting in a coffee shop and talking loudly about your script.
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiornio it's a good bet you've also slept with one or two trannies.
A fun thing to do is hold the door open for someone and if they don't say thank you punch them in the fucking face.
The last thing I need is a coffin.
"Speaking of Martin Luther King, did you see 'Blade'?" - Wesley Snipes to someone just now
If you missed the MTV awards you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.
Writing this thing at NBC, Family Guy, Letterman and no one is even reading this.