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"This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
I'm remaking Van Halen's Panama video and need a harness, a hair dryer, ten tons of cocaine, no harness and no hair dryer.
We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, "Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died."
Too bad Tom Petty didn't have a son named Manny.
"They should make a celebrity diving show." - what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation
A fun thing to do is hold the door open for someone and if they don't say thank you punch them in the fucking face.
The last thing I need is a coffin.
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiornio it's a good bet you've also slept with one or two trannies.
"I wish." - Chris Martin watching the end of Seven.
"Is the heat on?" - old Glenn Frey
This Donald Trump character is Andy Kaufman's greatest bit ever.
"It's snowing and don't be a dick." - every Christmas song ever
One thing we can all agree on is religion.
What if all this time Aretha Franklin had dyslexia and really just wanted a little scepter?
If Sylvia Plath knew her books were sold at Urban Outfitters she'd oh right never mind.
Ants must spend 95% of their lives at funerals.
Nyquil. The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, where's my fuckin' teeth and why am I on the lawn-cold medicine.
Writer: Adult Swim, Family Guy, Letterman and I swear to God once for the Guardian (UK).