@ChaunceyChadwik there there...

Need orgasm donor stat!

If this reception doesn't get rocking soon, I might actually have to do work today.

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,A beautiful day for a neighbor,Would you be mine? could you be mine?




l http://t.co/4M90IYbD

@travisrodgers can you give me Shaq's number? /s/ Michael Jordan

"UGH! I should've just read a damn book! Oh well, at least there's tomorrow." - Me, on here, every night!

.@MarjorieJeffrey I don't know about @iowahawkblog, but I've filed suit to be allowed into the dressing rooms at strip clubs. #BathroomGate.

The most titillating part of "50 Shades of Grey" was that moment towards the end of the book when I yawned and hiccupped simultaneously.

If you try to make me pick a restaurant to eat at I'll I'm going to say is, "Somewhere with French fries".

Everything I know about sex I learned from furtive glances at Cosmo in grocery stores.

Kim Kardashian hooking up with Kanye West is the perfect storm of narcissism.

The details are rather technical, but I do understand it involves a lot of Brylcreem. #RomneyEconomics

Don't be surprised when you pull down my trousers & you see a white pvc pipe where my penis should be. It's an old story.

And yet, "Qi" is? http://t.co/MjBLrk6R

Running a goddamn simulation and I'd hate for my computer to overheat so I'll just tweet till it finishes...

Hey guys: Remember that whole Mambo No 5 phase....WTF were we thinking? we didn't learn shit from the Macarena..

Will bankrupt the nation with his proposed "magic underwear stimulus" program. #RomneyEconomics

Having RTs for lunch

Sometimes my only strategy is to be as vague as possible.

Oh, and those of you who are not going to be having shitty weekend please have extra fun for me. Or don't. Whatever.