If you want me to get along better with the others, quit finding others who suck as human beings.

Job hunting tip: Leave the facial piercings at home. Hard to get hired when you look like you fell down a flight of stairs with a tackle box

If you ignore the evacuation orders, do not call 911 when you get into trouble. You signed up for the accelerated natural selection version.

This will only be solved through interpretive dance. Is a sentence you never want to hear in a budget meeting.

Volunteering in times of crisis is good. I just called Dairy Queen to call me immediately if they lose power. I'm ready to help out.

Welcome to Florida, where you can kill your child if its inconvenient to your partying lifestyle. Be sure to mug for the camera.

This is all your fault Justin Timberlake. This is why we can't have nice things.

Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

According to study, Canada is friendliest nation. Until you remind them they haven't won a Stanley Cup since 1993.

Deep in Louisiana, Brett Favre just knows that should have been him throwing the interception to lose the NFC Championship game.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading this in English, thank a veteran.

Now people want Bert and Ernie to get married. How about Sesame Street tackle the Count's gambling addiction first. He counts cards.

So far, I have to say that today looks nothing like the brochure.

TMZ is reporting that Whitney died from Xanax, other prescriptions and alcohol. Isn't that what most of you live off of?

Remember gang, you have to do a shot everytime the President says "let me be clear."

Here is a thought twitter, quit recommending celebrities to follow and actually recommend people worth following based on content.

Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.

While today is officially the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. I still contend that the longest day has budget meetings.

You can be genuinely funny, and Justin Bieber can repeat his fortune cookie message and get more stars than you will.

One of you screwed up last night. I did my part, I got Lady Gaga in the meat dress. Who was in charge of the hungry wolf pack?