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Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly -next"
when someone texts me "ROFL" I always imagine Scooby-Doo trying to say "waffle"
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Screaming, "You're not my real ladder!" at my step ladder.
My obituary will read: He's now dead on the outside too.
Whenever I see a car driving with a mattress tied to the top I imagine it's a prostitute making a house call.
I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.
I'm sorry but any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
You are a LIAR if you have never closed your eyes and tried to use the force to bring you something.
If I ever sleep with a prostitute, when we finished I would tell her that I am also a prostitute and we can just call it even.
I'm not old, I'm 25 plus shipping and handling.
I only say "bless you" 3times. If you sneeze more I assume you cant be blessed and you're filled with a demon who must be destroyed.
Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?
Just found out that <3 actually is supposed to mean "heart," not asshat or party boobs. I hate it even more now.
Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.
I'm working harder today than Michael J Fox's autocorrect.
I bet the inventors of the breadstick and the meatball hang out a lot and talk about how awesomely creative they are at naming things.
Considering how I react when toast pops up from the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I have lots of great personality traits...Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms.
To boost my self confidence before a date I masturbate to a picture of myself in front of the mirror. Then I fall asleep and miss the date.
I usually take the money and run, but this time there is no money. Responds well to deadlines and strong women http://t.co/lQlUTlMCqK http://t.co/IOKwgGhbs8