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Yelling "FUCK" when you hurt yourself really does make it all feel better.
Plastic flowers planted in your yard is like shit in a haystack! They don't smell like roses.
I like my weed like I like my tomatoes. Fried and green. Wait... What was I saying?
My little man fell asleep on his playing cards last night. He literally woke up this morning with a poker face.
I can't show you all my real Avi. I'm still trying to lose weight you know. Skinny bitches!
Taking a bra off and letting them hang at the end of a long day is better than sex.
Well sometimes.
So Mr. Camping raised over 100 million dollars by predicting the rapture tomorrow. I'll be damned if I'm not planning the next one. Maybe.
Seriously, do birds really have that much to talk about at five in the morning.
Damn - Marky Mark is lookin all kinds of Funky Bunch with no good vibrations up with the Blue Bloods.
Why do people have "strange addictions" like eating foam and running around in furry animal suits? Didn't they ever try drugs and alcohol?
Hey - I got something else to tell you'
Fuck you mother fucker!
Damn that felt good. Nighty night.
If I had to do Ellen to do her wife Portia, I would totally do it.
When will we get to the good stuff. Like sex, love & suicide.
My thoughts while watching Gnomeo & Juliet with the boy.
Imagine being stuck on a British Isle Cruise with the Norovirus running rapid. Hope they have big shitters.
Sorry mom.
"Don't want to argue, I don't want to debate...just eat it" is what I start singing when the hubs goes down on me.
Thanks Weird Al.
The outlook on kids - you never know what you "had" till you had them.
The Voice Judges just fucked that classic up. I guess they are "Under Pressure"
Queen and David Bowie should be so proud.
Typing the web addy mydickssportinggoods.com gives a whole new meaning to "My Dick".
First rule is don't talk about what we've already talked about
