All the hipsters in Hawaii died because they got into lava before it was cool.

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Scarlett Johansson can look forward to 7 years bad luck for putting a crack in that mirror.

I envy Bigfoot. My Dad believes in him.

People say tofu doesn't taste like anything, but that's untrue. It tastes just like the bitter year I spent dating that bossy vegan.

I don't like to use the word "problem." I prefer "challenge." Anyway, I think I might have a drinking challenge.

How about a dating site for people into scrap booking and knitting? We could call it "Craft Singles." What do you think? Too cheesy?

Just got my MRI results. Fascinating! In the part of my brain where I used to store phone numbers, a tiny skeleton is playing solitaire.

When Lady Gaga wants a new outfit, she covers her body in glue and then sprints through a Salvation Army store.

The guy making my hamburger just made eye contact with me and now I feel weird and don't want him touching my food.

Acorns are so cool. They're like "One day, I shall be a mighty oak but, today, I'm just chillin' in my little hat."

My neighbor is morbidly obese. I don't know him well; he keeps largely to himself.

If you have someone "guest tweeting" for you, maybe you should spend your day off trying to get over yourself.

There's sad and then there's Rite-Aid-Manager sad.

Have I ever told you about the gentleman who used to babysit me? It's a touching story...

It's possible to build a club sandwich in one's mouth, one ingredient at a time, by hitting Whole Foods' sample tables in the correct order.

Sorted laundry into whites, bright colors, and frilly shit she'd stab me for ruining.

Just did a 100 crunches -- 50 Pringles, 49 Fritos, and 1 "Cool Ranch" Dorito.

I'm not doing push-ups. I'm trying to shove the world away.

At the party tonight, a wasted chubby girl threw herself at me in the kitchen. I was extremely flattened.