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Scarlett Johansson can look forward to 7 years bad luck for putting a crack in that mirror.
I envy Bigfoot. My Dad believes in him.
People say tofu doesn't taste like anything, but that's untrue. It tastes just like the bitter year I spent dating that bossy vegan.
Remembrance Of Things Pabst #hipsterbooks
I don't like to use the word "problem." I prefer "challenge." Anyway, I think I might have a drinking challenge.
How about a dating site for people into scrap booking and knitting? We could call it "Craft Singles." What do you think? Too cheesy?
Just got my MRI results. Fascinating! In the part of my brain where I used to store phone numbers, a tiny skeleton is playing solitaire.
When Lady Gaga wants a new outfit, she covers her body in glue and then sprints through a Salvation Army store.
The guy making my hamburger just made eye contact with me and now I feel weird and don't want him touching my food.
Acorns are so cool. They're like "One day, I shall be a mighty oak but, today, I'm just chillin' in my little hat."
There's sad and then there's Rite-Aid-Manager sad.
My neighbor is morbidly obese. I don't know him well; he keeps largely to himself.
Taco Bell to start selling alcohol. So now, when you wake up there, you can have a beer.
If you have someone "guest tweeting" for you, maybe you should spend your day off trying to get over yourself.
Have I ever told you about the gentleman who used to babysit me? It's a touching story...
It's possible to build a club sandwich in one's mouth, one ingredient at a time, by hitting Whole Foods' sample tables in the correct order.
Sorted laundry into whites, bright colors, and frilly shit she'd stab me for ruining.
I'm alone on Saturday night. Guess my 1850 Facebook friends are busy.
Putting my heart back together.
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