If a tree falls on you in the forest, no one will hear you scream.

LA SONGBIRDS: Come to The Lexington in downtown LA tonight for a night of karaoke. I'm hosting!  https://www.facebook.com/events/452780631479277/461154007308606/?comment_id=462484313842242&notif_t=event_mall_reply …

Backseat Driver  https://vine.co/v/b0I905M5Mpe 

I. Hate. It. When. People. Write. Like. This.

Even the way Gregg spells his name is annoying!

He must be on a break. pic.twitter.com/SAuwRoidKT

@blahblahcake yes! Every Thursday!

I have so many pet peeves, I may as well open a zoo.

<clinking fork on glass> May I have your attention? I would like to make toast. It will be on wheat and lightly buttered. That is all.

I get that you're FAST, but what are you so FURIOUS about? RELAX FELLA!!!

The art is over my head but I like the free cheese.

If I had to be an animal eaten by humans, I'd be a tuna because all that swimmin' sounds fun! What would YOU be, and why?

Ready for some free fun? 1. Close your eyes. 2. Hold out your hand. 3 Now, tell me: dog turd or pine cone?

I think I just "downloaded" a copy of your cold.

"Supreme Leader" Kim Jong Un wouldn't last 10 minutes in LA's Koreatown!

Before you forward the article to 2000 people, why don't you read it first.

Back in high school they called me "Alphabet Soup" because I spoke in a nonsensical jumble and smelled faintly of chicken.

I like my court judges like I like my nachos --- SUPREME!

To Catch A Predator Using Enormous Glue Cannons

when I want to snack, I reach for a peanut