It's not so much a free small McDonald's fries so much as it is a tiny piece of litter that will reside in my wallet for the next 2 years.

How would dogs even organize a poker game?

If you're gonna post Craigslist ad needin someone to come paint your cat, please specify you mean portrait, 'cause now Im just disappointed.

I'm eating rib-shaped patties for dinner, so no, I'm not interested in buying your wealth management software.

Hey people with kids trying to make it look like hella fun. Nice try.

I might sit down to pee, but I don't use a seat protector. That's for pussies.

If you have a pile of important papers, I have a cat that would love to sit on 'em for some reason.

My favorite response to midnight texts like "Hey Faggot, you gonna come drink tonight bitch?" is simply "...Mom?"

Requiem for a Dream soundtrack makes putting groceries away deep & introspective. Tempted to drop a glass in slow-motion.

Im a 34 yr old single man and I really want this Air Wick color changing scented candle.

I'm not stalking you, but I am looking though your Instagram for recognizable landmarks.

Doing laundry. (Spraying Febreze)

I buy Junior Mints in the morning to trick myself into thinking I'm going to the movies and not eight hours of work.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, wish I had girl who looked good, but I'd probably just text her instead of calling.

The cat likes to fall asleep on the treadmill and I like to be a dick and these two things are about to cross paths.

You separate your white laundry from the colored? Ok, Hitler...

Im not saying that unfocused internet browsing can lead to random useless knowledge, Im just sayin Dr. Drew has an asteroid named after him.

Sometimes I think the vast majority of this country are idiots. Other times I'm asleep.

Valentines Day - 'cause hey, fuck you, single people...

Idea: Gravy flask.