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  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I swear, if it's not one thing, it's my mother.

    • 527
    • FAVS
    aotearoacatMyHairyLife______llvvzziNusku3__________LaffingGUYJoeyPositivityJulieWahooSheila_Mac420
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    Vie77rhysjenkinsLetsGo2TheBeach__sc4tt3rbr41nEagle_VisionDoobydo792PorchTherapyGrundy
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I'm from the South, I don't have to say "fuck you" all I have to say is "bless your heart."

    • 365
    • FAVS
    llvvzzfunnyguyJoeyPositivityJulieWahooaclevergirlCseashells2happyrightlianastribbling
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    daildvvdstrongtheDUDE___ChadHala____Dizzblnd__________
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I'm tired of twitter being "over capacity." Can we start voting people off?

    • 325
    • FAVS
    aotearoacatllvvzzLaffingGUYJoeyPositivitySyl650xunglamfoodandwhiningExcapeplan
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    SassActNikiBeansouradeepchatt____TimShehanOpenlyAwesome__Suiz______________HormonellaBKbaybay______
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    llvvzzJoeyPositivityaclevergirlameo02Syl650BradleyJDuffyKayM77mightymouse______
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    siansaRachelintheOCheffiethedragonArfiveDefour______patiokerrAlexOverHere______mytweecwetlife____
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

    • 277
    • FAVS
    llvvzzJoeyPositivityameo02BradleyJDuffyshanetheveinfoodandwhiningthweetskickstartmeup
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    EmilijaMimmicaNik_JayneMentalVasectomytheDUDE___
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

    • 221
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausllvvzzJoeyPositivityna_offcialBradleyJDuffyxXxCraigIeroxXxsletchcruze______APaintedMind
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    Mai_Lirol_Fren____rekindled_WCFHester23Favstar500Favskidphonic1feistyblondeUWSHIWDTam_Rey
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫

    • 209
    • FAVS
    llvvzzpeesinshower______JoeyPositivitySheila_Mac420ameo02ImmatureAmateurAPaintedMindstupendu
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    ameo02RainInADownpourllarisahthepainterflynnportraitgirl__msmanetnacturnalAndSoShePaints
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I wonder if Child Protective Services ever checks Twitter.

    • 235
    • FAVS
    llvvzzpeesinshower______JoeyPositivitylianastribblingBradleyJDuffyshanetheveinMODATH1Maintenance
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsa_crezozoblueJTJerkoffDizzblnd__________MetaFunny______
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Listen very carefully and I will explain what condescension means.

    • 227
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausllvvzzImaFlyontheWallcontrol_zedskank_bangoElloMoe__________AnnoyinglyhappyStephrae1970
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    vermontenegroAnnoyinglyhappydomesticHwickedmessBeeEssBeeJettSuperiorFavstar500FavsQRK5
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

    • 238
    • FAVS
    llvvzzJoeyPositivitymikeym00nfuddlemarkADIOS_goodbye____kickstartmeupHormonellaracheldory
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    ADIOS_goodbye____
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

    • 214
    • FAVS
    LuistsevenGreeblehausllvvzzameo02thweetsoblivion_liteHormonellaMommyNeedsANap
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    ameo02GinaRittertheDUDE___HollidayDoc1______favstar1000favsYKnotstellaveirosylverrat
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    People in this office are weird. Not like me and my hundreds of imaginary internet friends.

    • 210
    • FAVS
    llvvzzpeesinshower______JoeyPositivityameo02shanetheveinH1Maintenancestupendukickstartmeup
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    ameo02Favstar500Favskenjeyfavstar1000favsTerminallyTikisonicadamamaityankitWannabeBonobo____
    juskewitch
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I wish I had a guy in my life who would go down on me as often as twitter does.

    • 216
    • FAVS
    llvvzzpeesinshower______BradleyJDuffystupenduADIOS_goodbye____kickstartmeupHormonellaMommyNeedsANap
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsCookieClowryDizzblnd__________MetaFunny______
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    I don't know why it's called the "walk of shame" I'm pretty proud.

    • 213
    • FAVS
    LuistsevenGreeblehausllvvzzBradleyJDuffySheila_Mac420ImmatureAmateurkickstartmeupHormonella
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    theDUDE___favstar1000favs
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

    • 168
    • FAVS
    GreeblehausllvvzzdomesticHBradleyJDuffyAPaintedMindfuddlemarkMODATH1Maintenance
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    APaintedMindSheila_Mac420kennyhcomedyjoangrottLordDreadfortjugoodwebstuffvenison88
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    My life has a great cast, but I can't really figure out the plot.

    • 201
    • FAVS
    llvvzzdomesticHBradleyJDuffySheila_Mac420NickNameDick______H1Maintenancethweetskickstartmeup
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    BradleyJDuffy
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    "Look, Mommy! I can fit my whole fist into my mouth!"

    Your son is going to make some lucky man very happy one day.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    llvvzzstupendukickstartmeupHormonellaMommyNeedsANapracheldoryRneeErneNreebrookbristow
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsvaltwiggy
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    According to a 2 year old, who I had a conversation with tonight, I am fucking hilarious.
    I wish he was on twitter and favstar.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    llvvzzBradleyJDuffyshanetheveinMODATH1MaintenancekickstartmeupHormonellaMommyNeedsANap
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    squiggIelineJake_WFavstar500Favsfavstar1000favsjjherrick
    FlyoverJoel
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    That's enough Monday for one week.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    llvvzzH1MaintenancethweetskickstartmeupHormonellaMommyNeedsANapracheldoryDaniLynn1024
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsFishOfPreyaem76us
  • Blue_Crab
      Crab @Blue_Crab

    The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference.

    • 190
    • FAVS
    llvvzzfuddlemarkthweetskickstartmeupHormonellaMommyNeedsANapRneeErneNreebrookbristow
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    RneeErneNree
@Blue_Crab

@Blue_Crab

Stronger than ativan and more powerful than chocolate.