Had a few too many & accidentally had 4 heart-to-hearts.

I held on for one more day and everything still sucks sorry Wilson Phillips but your song is a lie!

My husband's safe word is, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."

For the record, I've never had an STD. Just sayin'.

Well, it's all tears and humiliation up in here. How's your day?

Reminder, when clicking on Nigerian diet plan, be sure to include password and Social Security number.

If you're not constantly anxious, you're not trying hard enough.

My real beauty is on the inside. That's why I let so many men inside me.

When you send a bunch of rambling texts to a friend and their reply is super short. That is *legitimately* an awkward moment.

just got asked "what is a taco?" by someone that lives on a different continent and I died a little inside

I was unmarried for about 5% of my adult life.
Felt like a frame without the painting.
But it's not for everyone.

Amanda Bynes is the only person on this planet who has it all figured out.

UPDATE: Those who live in stoned houses should not throw glass bongs.

Oh yeah, person who unfollowed me? WELL I FAKED ALL MY @ REPLIES!!!!

Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

Memorial day clearance sale! This weekend only! Free wife, just take over payments. Shiping and handling extra.

Massachusetts medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to offer marijuana at no or reduced cost to low-income people. WHAT THE FUCK!

You say: "I forgot to eat."

I hear: "I am a wizard and you should fear my dark sorcery."

Sometimes my favorite view has nothing to do with what I can see from the window.

"Daddy, did you ever get to drive over one of those things in the good ole pre-sequester days." -Kids asking about bridges in 2025