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If you've ever accidentally opened the wrong program and had to wait impatiently for it to load before you quit, you understand my sex life.
Home is where the heart is which is why if you leave home, you die.
Xmas dinner problem: What flavour of vodka pairs well with crazy insane relatives?
I hate how people selfishly don't want me to get really drunk and spend hours summarizing Faulkner novels for them.
When wearing a trenchcoat, I can't help but stop every few blocks and mark an X on a newspaper rack just to mess with any spies nearby.
Hey, balding dudes with ponytails: Nope.
When confronted with the choice of whether or not to smoke weed, always take the high road.
Dance like nobody's watching. Friend request your enemy. Drink 6 Red Bulls. Put on face paint. Climb onto your roof. JUMP OFF!
"Where you at?" ends with a preposition and makes you sound uneducated. English geeks prefer "where you be?"
As children I think most of us just assumed our adulthoods would be staged by the Make a Wish Foundation.
Republicans are comparing Obamacare to Katrina because they didn’t willingly help anyone then either.
I give good esophagus.
Setting my clocks back, but emotionally.
We’ve replaced Bob’s Folger Crystals with a rabid raccoon. Let’s see if he notices. Ohhh, that’s a lot of blood.
My mom has come through her heart surgery well. Thanks so much for all your good thoughts!
To my wiccan and pagan friends, Blessed Samhain.
I don't like celebrating holidays where I lose food.
I have sampled all the Halloween candy and none of it is poison.
DayQuil: The "I feel just well enough to go to work and infect everyone else" medicine.
I bet our parents are real proud of how well we're doing at Internet.
Stronger than ativan and more powerful than chocolate. Send me an email at google - BlueCrabsEmail