I swear, if it's not one thing, it's my mother.

I'm from the South, I don't have to say "fuck you" all I have to say is "bless your heart."

I'm tired of twitter being "over capacity." Can we start voting people off?

My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

I wonder if Child Protective Services ever checks Twitter.

Listen very carefully and I will explain what condescension means.

I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

I wish I had a guy in my life who would go down on me as often as twitter does.

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

I don't know why it's called the "walk of shame" I'm pretty proud.

People in this office are weird. Not like me and my hundreds of imaginary internet friends.

♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫

My life has a great cast, but I can't really figure out the plot.

"Look, Mommy! I can fit my whole fist into my mouth!"

Your son is going to make some lucky man very happy one day.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference.

According to a 2 year old, who I had a conversation with tonight, I am fucking hilarious.
I wish he was on twitter and favstar.

That's enough Monday for one week.

Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.